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Kirk looked at the time on his computer screen. Nearly midnight. He rubbed the bridge of his nose. One more report, he promised himself, and then bed.
He reached for a commdisk and groaned as he read the label. Uhura had pushed it into his hand two days ago as he was leaving the bridge. "From the Besrali embassy, sir. Coded personal." He'd heard the question in her voice--why was he receiving a personal message from the Besrali embassy? Damned if I know, he thought.
He inserted the disk into the computer and started at the image that appeared on the screen. A woman smiled at him. Her short-cropped curls made her look younger than when he had last seen her, two years ago. He saw laughter bubbling up in her eyes.
"Hello, Jim. I hope you remember me."
"You and I had a very interesting conversation once while traveling from Thezzia to..."
"...Timeron. Prepare for warp speed to Timeron."
Kirk braced himself in his seat. These commercial transports never go into warp as smoothly as a starship. And why the hell do all computer voices sound the same?
He chuckled softly. Calm down, boy. You'll be back on the Enterprise soon.
As the ship finally settled into warp, Kirk looked around the cabin. Fewer than a dozen passengers, each putting as much space as possible between himself and his fellow travelers. He stole a glance at the woman across the aisle. She was staring dreamily into space, lost in thought. Chestnut curls tumbled down to her shoulders.
She was draped in a green silk dress that, while not tight, certainly flattered her. She cocked her head and smiled to herself, as if amused. Jim turned away, suddenly regretting that he wouldn't be spending any time on Timeron.
Oh, well. He opened the travel bag on the seat next to him and began searching for the book he'd packed. He looked over at the woman again. Now she was laughing silently as she casually pushed her hair back from her face. She's either demented or has a very entertaining internal life, he thought.
Finding the book, he opened it and began leafing through it idly. He glanced across the aisle once more. Damn it, why is she smiling like that?
He stuffed the book back into the bag, stood up, and stepped into the aisle. "Is this seat taken?" he asked, displaying his most winning smile.
Startled out of her reverie, she looked up at him, then around the nearly empty cabin. "No," she chuckled. "It's not."
Jim sat down next to her. There was an awkward silence.
"Look, I've got to ask you. I was sitting across the aisle and couldn't help noticing the way you were smiling and laughing to yourself. It was very...well, I don't know but...will you tell me why?"
"I found my thoughts amusing."
"I'm sorry, I've intruded--" He stood up.
"I was wondering how long it would take for you to move over here."
He sat down as a smile slowly lit his face.
"Kayla Ma. Are you from Thezzia?"
He looked at her with new curiosity. He'd never met a Besrali before. The unusual race was rarely seen in Federation space and little was known about them, other than that they had a very short lifespan--usually less than 30 earth standard years. They had turned down an invitation to join the Federation, although the relationship remained cordial. They looked exactly like humans, except--he glanced down at her hands--the blue and silver of her fingernails hadn't been painted there. The Besrali were also rumored to have unusual telepathic powers.
She looked at him mockingly. "Yes, it's true."
"We do have telepathy." She laughed lightly at the look on his face. "But that's not how I knew. Every human I've met has looked at me that same way."
He heard a slight accent in her speech that he hadn't detected before.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude."
"Curiosity isn't rude. It's generally regarded as a sign of intelligence."
"Do you know what I'm thinking now?"
"Do you know much about telepathy?" she said. "In Vulcans, it's triggered by--"
"That's how it is with me. Some Besrali can communicate freely but I'm rather limited. But I can control it. It's not like an open channel."
"Well, I suppose to a non-telepath it would be. Of course, that will all change when I'm married."
"Yes. On Timeron. My fiance is an official of the Besrali embassy."
"Oh. I guess that explains why you were smiling."
"And marriage will change your telepathic ability?"
"I'll bond mentally with my partner. Then we won't need to touch to communicate. Again, like the Vulcans. But, unlike them, we choose our own partners and marry for love."
"If you love him, why am I here?"
"I find humans...fascinating." She smiled engagingly. "You won't disappoint me, will you?"
"So is it all right if I ask you some questions?" she asked.
Kirk's eyes narrowed. "How old are you?"
"I thought *I* was asking the questions."
"About twenty-four, earth standard years."
"Then you must know about sex."
"Well, yes, of course. But humans...well, you hear such strange things."
Jim chuckled. "What have you heard?"
She looked around and lowered her voice conspiratorially. "Kissing."
Jim choked down a laugh and managed a straight face. "Kissing?"
"Shhhh. I've read some Terran literature...and, well...do humans really--" She was blushing furiously.
She cocked her head in exasperation. "I would kiss a child or greet a close friend with a kiss. But it's affectionate, it's not...sexual."
Jim smiled. "Maybe you're not doing it right."
"I'm sorry." God, I would love to teach you. "I meant that, among humans, there are different kinds of kisses. We kiss affectionately, as you described, but there's also the passionate variety."
She thought for a moment. "Is it...required?"
"Well, there's no law about it."
"I mean--is kissing absolutely necessary in order to achieve a sexual union?"
"No, but most people enjoy it. And it's usually an indication that a relationship has taken a romantic turn."
"Oh. A *signal*. Well, I guess that makes sense. I mean, how else would you know? Not being telepathic. Thank you for explaining."
"Well, it's more than just a signal." The inadequacy of his answer irritated him.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound condescending. I guess it's your turn."
"All right. Why *don't* the Besrali kiss passionately?"
"I guess...because we don't have to."
"You're being condescending again."
"Sorry. I meant when lovers touch or embrace, they communicate telepathically. They don't need a signal like kissing." Again, in a low whisper, "Or talking, for that matter. In Terran literature, humans talk a lot about lovemaking. They even talk *during* lovemaking." She obviously found this thought distasteful.
"Talking can be very erotic, you know."
"Not when you can share images and impulses without it. I mean, talking seems so...crude. Is that the word I want?"
She put her hand on his and corrected him, "Yes."
He pulled his hand away. The robot attendant approached and offered refreshments. After producing two Tellarite Stingers, it rolled away.
He looked into her eyes. Gray with flecks of deep blue. "Would I what?" he asked softly.
"Kiss me? I'll understand if you say no."
He leaned toward her and gently pressed his lips to hers. They were soft with a sweet taste he couldn't identify. He put his arms around her and drew her closer, caressing her lower lip with the tip of his tongue. She pulled away sharply. Her hand flew to her mouth.
"Your *tongue!?*" she whispered.
"Well...well, yes," he said helplessly.
"I thought that was something the writers made up." She pulled a handkerchief out of a pocket in her gown. Her hand stopped in mid-air. "Would it be rude if I--wiped my mouth?"
Kirk rubbed the back of his neck and sighed. "Whatever."
She finished her drink in one swallow. Jim leaned back and closed his eyes.
"You know, I'm considered quite a good kisser," he said pointedly and immediately regretted the petulance in his voice.
"I'm sure you are," she whispered. The hurt tone made him look her way. She was staring down at her hands. He saw that they were trembling.
He suddenly felt very foolish. "Kayla, I'm sorry. I had no idea."
"I'm fine. It's all right. Just..."
"What can I do? Can I get you something? Another drink?"
She turned her face away. "Yes, please."
Their hands touched briefly as he gave her the drink. She looked up at him, sadness and confusion in her eyes.
"Kayla, I don't know what to say."
"It's all right. Can we talk about something else? Ask me another question. Please."
"When our hands touched just now, did you read my mind?"
"Well, yes. I didn't mean to but I wasn't expecting--"
"Just superficial impressions."
"Well...all right. Umm--you feel bad about kissing me. You find me very attractive."
"Although somewhat frustrating."
"Let's see--" She dropped her voice to a masculine tone, "You're *Captain of the Enterprise*."
"Umm...Oh. You're in love with your friend Spock but you haven't--"
"Wait! What did you say? I'm in love with--Where did you get *that*?"
"Jim. Love is always very near the surface," she explained patiently.
"Isn't that what superficial means--near the surface?"
"No, not in this case. It means trivial, unimportant."
"Oh," she said meekly. "Love is never unimportant."
He exhaled slowly. "I mind that *I* know."
"Oh, Jim." Her voice softened sympathetically. "He doesn't love you."
"He's married." She sounded like she was about to cry.
"*No*." He thought of T'Pring and the disaster that union would've been. "I haven't told him how I feel. He's my...first officer, my friend. It wouldn't be right."
"Look, Kayla, let's just drop it, all right?"
"No. Tell me why it would be wrong to tell him that you love him."
"I can't tell him. It could destroy our friendship." His voice caught. "He's Vulcan."
Kayla stared at him in disbelief. "How long have you known this Vulcan?"
"And in that time, has he ever touched you, shaken your hand, anything?"
"Then if you believe he doesn't know, you're deluding yourself."
And now it was Kirk's turn to stare down at his hands.
"Jim, I don't understand. You know that Vulcans are touch telepaths."
"Kayla. If he does know and hasn't said anything to me, that's a pretty strong indication that he doesn't--return my feelings."
She rolled her eyes. "You know, Jim, many Besrali feel that non-telepathic races are not evolved enough to associate with. And right now you're making a very good argument for that point of view."
"What else do you know about Vulcans?" she continued.
"You know that they bond mentally with a mate."
"I'm familiar with the ceremony."
"Well, let me fill you in on a few relevant facts. Contrary to rumor, Vulcans do have emotions, very powerful ones. They're very good at controlling them, but they have to release them at some point. They'd all go mad otherwise--just as you or I would. And that's what the bond is for. A safety valve. A way of expressing their feelings. And I'd be very surprised if he wasn't trying to bond with you. And you aren't letting him. You aren't giving him the release he needs."
"Look, it's almost certain that he knows how you feel, right? And he's still your friend, isn't he? He hasn't shut you out."
"He's *waiting* for you to say something."
"Wait a minute. I'm not the telepath, remember? I don't know what he's feeling. If he knows what I'm feeling, why doesn't *he* say something?"
"I told you, most telepaths would consider that...crude. It demeans something very personal and beautiful."
"It doesn't matter. Look, Jim, have you ever communicated with someone without speaking? Like a look that says 'Let's get out of here. These people are boring'."
"Or a look that says, 'Shut up, this is none of your business'?"
"Yes, good example. You don't say it out loud because you don't have to. And it would be rude and embarrassing."
"No, not exactly the same, but I'm sure he wants to tell you. He just can't say it in a way that you can hear. To him, it would diminish you both. He's probably sending to you in every way he knows, hoping to break through. If you would just tell him how you feel, the two of you could complete the bond and your problems would be over." She was obviously very pleased with herself.
"Kayla. You're forgetting one very important thing. This is all conjecture. He could be praying that I'll have the sense *not* to say anything, because he doesn't return my feelings."
"For the sake of our friendship. Look, I'm not going to tell him. It's too big a risk."
"Excuse me--did I just hear the *captain of the Enterprise* say it's too big a risk? That he's afraid?"
"Don't you Terrans have an expression about running with the big dogs? You have to get off the porch. You should be ashamed."
"That's it. This conversation is over." He moved back to his original seat across the aisle.
After two hours of pointedly not looking at each other, Kayla slid into the seat next to Jim.
"Jim, I'm sorry. I had no right to tell you how to live your life. Forgive me?"
They looked at each other and laughed awkwardly.
"But, Jim, you really should tell--"
"Kayla, stop it. Or I'll--kiss you again."
The familiar computer voice announced impending arrival in the Timeron system.
As they rose to disembark, Jim said, "Kayla. I wish you happiness in your marriage."
She was stepping onto the transporter platform when she turned and came back to him. "It's Besrali tradition for the bride to present gifts to her friends. So, as my gift..."
She pulled his head down to hers and kissed him softly on the cheek.
"That's how we kiss on Besral."
He watched her dissolve in the transporter beam, envying her future with a man whose feelings she would never doubt.
On screen, Kayla was speaking, her eyes lit brightly. "Presumably, you know that, compared to Terrans, Besrali have a very short lifespan. Which is probably why I felt so strongly that you should claim any happiness that you can while you can. But I'll be gone soon and I need to tell you something. A confession.
"The things I told you I saw in your mind--I actually saw them when we kissed. And I saw more than what I told you. That's why I was so upset. I saw a deep loneliness that you were trying to ignore. And I saw love mixed with fear. And I also saw traces of another mind that you weren't aware of. It's hard to describe--I guess 'unopened mail' is the best I can do. That's why I was so insistent that you should tell Spock.
"But when we said good-bye, I knew you would never share your feelings with him. So I made one more attempt. It was wrong--to invade you--but I meant well. I don't know if that excuses what I did, but I hope it explains it.
"When I took your hand to say good-bye, I tried to open that mail for you, just a little. And I also sent a little--well, a little jolt of courage. Sort of a mental kick in the pants.
"I don't know if it helped. If you still haven't told Spock, all I can say is 'You're a fool.'"
"However, if you did tell him and he rejected you, I'm deeply sorry. But that sort of wound can heal and the one you were nursing wouldn't.
"On the other hand, if you did tell him and the two of you are living happily ever after..." She grinned. "You're welcome. And, Jim, I did enjoy kissing you." She wrinkled her nose. "Except for the tongue part."
After what seemed like a very long time, Kirk hit the comm link.
"Computer. What is the status of Besrali citizen Kayla Ma?"
"Working...Status of Besrali citizen Kayla Ma: deceased."
He hit the link again and rested his head in his hands, lost in sorrow and regret.
He sat down on the bed. The bed's occupant stirred.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."
"I grieve with thee, t'hy'la."
Suddenly he was filled with a desperate longing for reassurance, to know that he belonged.
"Oh God, yes. Ahh...that feels so good--Spock?"
Through clenched teeth. "Do I--talk too much--in bed?"
"But--when I do--" Gasping for air. "Does it--aah--offend you?"
/There are times when it is quite enjoyable. However, this is not one of those times./
"It's because--Uh!--I can't--I'm not--"
Spock rolled away from him and sighed into the darkness.
Kirk heard the tension under his carefully measured words.
"We can make love. We can have conversation. But I refuse to do both at once."
The slow, torturous caresses began again.
/My love, I *will* silence you./
And then Spock's mouth was on his and there were no more words.
Drifting to sleep. Softly in his mind.
/T'hy'la. I love you. Never doubt that. Doubt is in the past./
/And, Jim, you are an excellent kisser. Especially the tongue part./
And then more softly, another presence, a new presence. But not completely unknown.
/This is how we love on Besral./
Then she was gone. And after asking the gods to honor the spirit of Kayla Ma, he slept.
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