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Explanation: Last night on Sci Fi, they showed "I, Mudd." And in the break, they showed snippets from interviews with the actors (mostly guest stars). In this one, they were all talking about the costumes. Sally Kellerman said, "Bill [presumably Shatner] and I were a little pudgy under ours." Then they cut to Shatner saying that the shirts were made out of this very cheap material that didn't dry clean very well and they couldn't afford to keep replacing them. So they had to wear these costumes that stuck out in odd ways. And he said, "You thought it was me. But it wasn't. [Looonnng Shatnerian pause] It was the dry cleaning."
I roared. I practically fell off the sofa. It sounds so much like a fanfic rationale for an unacceptable reality, like Spock's blue eyeshadow.
Then I got to thinking about what else stuck out in Shatner's costume.
The expression "ViP" is a gem from another netizen, whom I will gladly credit if she gives me her permission, but she's temporarily incommunicado. Shatner is an AAVP--Almost Always Visible Protruder. And the result is a ViP--Visible Protrusion.
Spock approached the cleaning emporium and frowned at the erroneous signage.
As he entered, he looked around, bewildered. Why would Jim insist on having his pants cleaned in such a place? He saw no evidence of dry cleaning equipment, the cluttered room was free of clothing or plastic bags, and the "staff" appeared to consist of one human female. She looked up from her notebook computer and purred lasciviously.
At least that's what Spock told himself she said. It almost sounded like, "You got into Jim's pants?"
In either case, the answer was, "Yes."
"Are you the proprietor of this establishment?" he asked as she happily pawed the captain's trousers.
Noting his worried expression, she said, "Just checking the pockets. Yeah, I own this place. Call me Kitty."
"Then may I point out that it is customary to capitalize all three letters in VIP?"
"Listen, tall, green, and handsome. I know how to run a Spelling Checker. The sign is perfect, just the way it is. So pipe down, or I'll turn on your smart quotes."
"May I inquire as to the meaning of your slogan? 'In by 9?' Is it not traditional to conclude that advertisement with the phrase 'Out by 4?'"
"Honey, if it's in by 9, I don't care when it gets out." She clutched the black pants to her ample bosom and said, "Tell Jim they'll be ready when he is."
From the sparkle in her eyes, he expected her to say, "It's on the house." But instead, she bit her lip and whispered throatily, "The usual."
As Spock left the shop, he resolved to question Jim about the puzzling relationship between this unusual woman and his...pants.
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