Of
The K/S/Squi_q Fest
Art by Jungle Kitty
Here's how the K/S/Squi_q Fest works. You sign up by accepting the next offer made by a telemarketer who phones during the climactic moment of your favorite TV show. You will then be assigned a squi_q that you are to use in a filthy story about a sexual relationship between Kirk, Spock, and the squi_q. The squi_qs are written on postcards of North Dakota and mixed up in the drawer where I keep my sex toys. I'll draw your assignment and notify you via FedEx Priority Overnight at your expense.
1. The squi_q must actually be used by K & S as part of sex.
3. K & S must enjoy it. At least initially.
4. The story must be written from the POV of the squi_q.
5. If you turn down the squi_q you're assigned, you will be forced to introduce it to your parents as the reason you haven't settled down and had children.
6. All stories will be released at a date set to conflict with as many other fests as possible. They will be cross-posted to every newsgroup we can think of, read aloud by Regis Philbin in a TV special entitled "Who Wants To Be A Pervert," and published in a zine that will be delivered to your parents, your boss, your minister, the parents of your children's friends, and everyone who laughed at you in high school with your RL name clearly marked and notarized next to your story.
7. In case of a dispute over whether or not a story has followed the rules, an extremely biased panel of people on cold medication will closely examine the disputed arseholes to see if they've been cleanly punched. If they cannot decide, they will beat each other with rocks, paper, and scissors and the committee member left standing will make the final decision.
8. No more than one female character may appear in the story and she must play one of the following roles: wise-beyond-her-telepathic-powers madam of a whorehouse, canon ex-lover of either K or S who has brought them together and serves refreshments between fucks, warm-hearted but frigid bitch who realizes she isn't worthy of either of them.
9. All stories must be submitted to the K/S/Squi_q Fest in XML format with scrolling animation and no serif fonts. Each story must contain hypertext links to the websites of the K/S/Squi_q Fest Committee. Please show your work.
10. Each story must contain both a happy ending and a sad ending with the links to each clearly marked. Failure to do so will result in the author being forced to eat a sock puppet made from a gorn's gym sock.
11. Communication between K & S via mindlink should be set off as in the following example in which Spock professes his love:
NOTE: The above restrictions do not apply to a mindlink between the squi_q and the female character in item 8.
12. The use of accents for supporting characters is encouraged, the more unreadable the better. If you cannot write an accent, we suggest you run the dialogue through Babelfish.
13. Stories submitted between December 21 and January 2 must feature a pinata.
14. Stories submitted on December 24 must feature a close relative of K, S, or the squi_q getting drunk and knocking over the Christmas tree, breaking all the ornaments.
15. Anyone submitting a story that is not rated NC-17 will be publicly mocked until s/he cries.
16. The story can take place anywhere you like as long as it's Cleveland.
17. All nouns must be modified by adjectives. All verbs must be modified by adverbs. All analogies must be confusing. All metaphors must be mixed. The use of the word "said" is allowed once per story. No paragraph may be longer than one sentence.
18. Please make it obvious which character is your Mary Sue.
19. The names of your beta-readers must appear in the text of the story. If we don't like your story, your beta-readers will be shot.
20. Do not introduce confusing devices such as originality. Remember, we're TV viewers. We're not impressed with cleverness.
21. Your story must meet the following requirements for descriptions of the characters:
Kirk: 725 words minimum
Spock: 725 words minimum
Squi_q: Between 8 and 128 words
Everyone else: Eye or hair color
22. Anyone submitting a story formatted as long-line-short-line will have one of hir legs shortened by 75%.
23. You must send feedback to all the other K/S/Squi_q Fest stories. Each feedback must be twice as long your own story.
24. No lurking allowed. If you join, you've sold your soul. No unsubbing. We know where you live.
Go to the Squi_q List and Stories
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