This story is one in a series about the relationship between James Kirk and Suzanne Brandt. The Kirk-Brandt Chronology lists all the stories, both in order of occurrence and order of creation.
Thanks to Laurel for providing the first line. And this one's for Buster because he's such a good dog. Yes he is. Good doggy. <scritch>
Hey! I just realized something! There is not one single thing in this story that belongs to Paramount or Viacom. It all belongs to me! Woo hoo!
He's big and he's ugly and he's practically furless and he has no tail and she takes him everywhere and he walks around on his hind legs like he's the leader of the pack.
It was so nice before he showed up. It was just the two of us. We would play and cuddle and pretend we understood what we were saying to each other. Oh, we still do those things, but not as often, and *he's* always here. *He* always joins in. And then pretty soon, it's just the two of them, and I'm being told to lie on my mat. Why? I didn't do anything wrong. Then they go in the bedroom and close the door, and if I ask to come in, just a polite little whimper and maybe a scratch at the door, I get growled at.
It never used to be like this. Sometimes she would bring home another dog for a little while, and *he* was even here a few times, but he used to go away, just like the others. Now he's here every morning--getting fed from the table! And he's here every night--sleeping on the bed!
I never get to sleep on the bed anymore. Well, except when I'm alone. But when she goes to bed, he gets to lie right beside her, and I can't even lay down at the end, snuggled up against her legs. And when I try to sleep between them, so we can all be warm and cozy together, the way it should be, I get growled at. Again.
AND EVERYTHING SMELLS LIKE HIM!
I tried to be friendly. Really. But he has no manners at all. He's never sniffed my butt or licked my face. I thought maybe he was just too stupid to know what to do, or maybe he was the only pup in the litter and never learned how to behave in polite company. So I tried to show him. And I got growled at! Again! By *her*!
I tell myself that she still loves me. I'm such a good boy. Yes, I am. Such a good boy. She says so when she scratches me behind the ears. She never forgets my food or water, like some of the other dogs have said their leaders do. We still go on nice, long runs together. But lately, she brings him along on those, too.
And never once has she told him to heel or pulled him back for sniffing at something interesting. Not that he ever does sniff at anything interesting. He's as bad as she is when it comes to being completely unaware of all the wonderful things that are just lying around, begging to be sniffed and tasted and taken home. It's probably because their noses are too far off the ground.
But he doesn't even have to wear a collar!
I don't understand it. Why is he so special? She kisses him on the mouth! She lets him hump her leg! And do the other things, too, that I tried to do with that nice bitch in the park.
And he obviously doesn't know what he's doing when it comes to those things, either. It'll be a good long time before he sires any pups, I can tell you that. No self-respecting dog would get into those positions. It's disgusting.
Well, to be fair, he almost got it right once. I started barking, "Go! Yeah! That's it!"
I was just trying to be helpful. I thought he needed the encouragement.
He doesn't appreciate anything I've tried to do for him.
And he's such a snob. He's too good to mark anything. Not here, not in the park, not on the street, not anywhere. I've been watching him. He never does it. How can he hold it in for so long?
Look at him. Sitting on the furniture like he belongs there. *I* never get to sit on the furniture. And when she comes home, yeah, he'll get off the furniture and go to her. But he won't run or jump or act guilty or anything. Because he's *special.*
What was that?! Oh, the noise box. I hate that thing. Whenever it starts talking, she stops paying attention to me. Just like she does when he's around.
Why doesn't it shut up? I've had it! I'm going to tell that noise box exactly what I think of it! Shut up, you stupid noise box! She's not here! She doesn't want to talk to you!
It's her! She's in the noise box! How did she do that? Come home! Come home! Don't leave me here with him! Please please please please--
She's gone! The noise box has her! Quick! We have to--
I don't believe it! He doesn't even care! What a brute! What a stupid, insensitive jerk! She's the *leader*, you idiot! We can't survive without her!
Don't you tell me to be quiet! You be quiet! I'm ashamed to be in the same pack with you! You're as stupid as a cat! Stupider!
You big bully. Why did she teach you all the magic words?
All right, I'll be quiet. For now. But you wait. You're the new dog. I was here first. I'm smarter than you are. I'll sit here nicely and wag my tail. For now.
Yeah, I'm a good boy. Ha! Like you'd know. You're so stupid that you don't even know the difference between a real wag and a phony one.
What? Forget it. Why should I come to you? Oh, all right, if you're going to make such a big deal out of it.
Oh, gee, thanks so much. I can't tell you what a privilege it is to sit here and watch you eat at the table.
I hate to watch you eat. You're so pretentious. Why can't you just use your mouth? I have never *ever* used my paws to eat. And I don't know of any dog who has. And as for those other things--they look like those things at the vet's. They're *dangerous.*
Well, I'm through looking out for you, new dog. Go ahead. Eat with vet things. Maybe later you'd like to chew on a wire until it shoots fire at you.
What? You're kidding. Really? This is a joke, right? You're just setting me up so you can growl at me again, aren't you? No?
Okaaaaaay. I'm trusting you on this.
Hey! Look at me! I'm at the table!
I like it up here. I can see into the kitchen without even moving my head. And there's that ball I thought I lost! What's it doing on the counter?
What? No way. Don't toy with me. I've had a really rough day. You mean it? Really? For me? On a plate?
Um, hey, don't take this the wrong way. I appreciate the food and the view, but you don't want me to eat with my paws or use vet things or anything disgusting like that, do you?
Wow! This stuff tastes great! I don't believe this! This is wonderful! The new dog is so cool!
Huh? Yeah, sure, anything you say. No, I won't tell her we did this. Dog's honor. Just between us pooches.
Hey, later, do you think maybe we could sit on the furniture together? Do you? Huh, do you? I'll give you some pointers on making pups.
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