Star Trek and its characters are the property of Paramount. This not-for-profit piece of fan fiction is not intended to infringe on that ownership. The author's copyright applies only to the creative content and her original characters.
This story is one in a series about the relationship between James Kirk and Suzanne Brandt. It is part of an alternate universe outside the overall timeline. The Kirk-Brandt Chronology lists all the stories, both in order of occurrence and order of creation.
This story follows The Dress, The Guests, The Cake, The Car, The Whole Darn Thing and The Seven-Pound, Two-Ounce Sequel. It's written in honor of Pam and Laurel, both new moms.
Warning: This story features normally rational adults getting silly over a baby.
As Admiral Kirk turned toward him, Dr. McCoy tried unsuccessfully to wipe the smirk off his face. Luckily, Jim didn't seem to object. Jim didn't seem to object to much of anything today. Returning to the Enterprise only hours earlier after a two-month absence, the admiral had been almost cursory in his inspection of the ship. And now, standing near the transporter console with McCoy and Spock, he was nearly twitching with impatience.
"Where are they?" he demanded.
As Kirk leaned forward to check the transporter readings for the umpteenth time, McCoy shot an amused glance across his back toward Spock, but the first officer returned the look coolly, refusing to be drawn into the doctor's sport.
Kirk hit the comm switch and said, "Uhura, are you sure communications aren't out?"
"Everything is working, Admiral," Uhura reported calmly. "I haven't--Wait, I'm getting something now. Admiral, they're ready to beam up."
Spock slid the control lever forward as Kirk eagerly stepped around to the front of the console. The air above the transporter pad began shimmering and moments later, Captain Brandt materialized with a large bag slung across one shoulder and an eight-week-old baby in her arms.
"Here's my big boy!" Kirk said as he stepped forward and took his son from her.
"I'm sorry we're so late, Jim, but I didn't want to wake him. You're going to have to show him off fast."
"No, I won't. I got an extension. We don't leave for two more hours." Grinning proudly, he carried the baby to the transporter console. "Now, Alex, do you remember these two gentlemen? This is Spock and this is Bones."
Spock nodded solemnly as McCoy leaned in to the baby and began clicking his tongue at him.
"Don't mind me. I'm just the mother," Brandt said dryly as she dropped the bulky shoulder bag at the bottom of the steps.
Bones looked up and smiled. "Suzanne, you look wonderful."
"Doesn't she?" Kirk beamed. "And it's permanent. Tell her, Bones. It's permanent."
"What are you talking about?" McCoy asked.
"These." Brandt sighed and waved her hands in front of her bosom. "I don't know who's happier about the new, improved, jumbo size--Jim or Alex."
Spock raised an appreciative eyebrow as McCoy chuckled.
Kirk scowled at McCoy. "You couldn't leave me one simple, harmless delusion, could you?"
"Complain to Mother Nature. It's her system."
"You'd think that modern medicine--" Kirk's intended speech was cut off by Alex moving his arms in short, jerky movements and exclaiming, "Ah! Ah! Ah!"
"See? Even Alex thinks it's a bad system."
"No, he doesn't." Suzanne bent over Alex and cooed, "You think Daddy's dead wrong, don't you? Yes, you do. If Mommy wants her nice, convenient body back, it's all right with you."
Gurgling happily under the attention, Alex rewarded his parents with even more delighted agitation, waving his tiny fists chaotically.
"Oh, you're so tough!" Jim exclaimed. "That's right. Bop Mommy a good one! Show her who's boss!"
"Ow ow ow ow!" Suzanne cried in mock distress.
Not quite believing what he was seeing but enjoying it all the same, McCoy stole a glance at Spock, who was edging toward the door, green with embarrassment.
"Admiral, I have duties on the bridge..."
"Fine, fine. We'll meet you up there."
McCoy chuckled at Spock's eyes went wide with alarm.
"I'll go with you, Spock. I need to get sick bay in order. It's not every day we're subjected to a inspection by the future surgeon general."
"Doctor, I am certain that once Alex is of an age to make his own decisions, he will find the practice of medicine far too restrictive for his abilities."
As Spock and McCoy left the transporter room, Jim held the baby up and frowned.
"It's the outfit your mother gave him," Suzanne explained, adjusting the bootie that hung precariously from Alex's left foot.
"Well, this won't do at all. Has Mommy been on maternity leave so long she doesn't remember how you're supposed to dress for an inspection?" He nodded toward a small box resting on the floor near the console. "Open that, Suzanne."
She did so and, with a delighted laugh, she lifted out a small silver one-piece uniform.
"This is wonderful! Who did this?"
"Use the console. I'll shut it down."
"Well!" Suzanne stood Alex on the edge of the console and admired his new clothes. "We've finally found the one person who looks good in these jumpers."
"You haven't seen the best part," Jim grinned slyly. "Watch."
He tapped the "bio-monitor" on the front of the uniform and up popped the fresh white corner of--
"Much better than a lot of circuitry, don't you think?"
"I wish Nyota had been on the design committee."
An hour later, Spock stood near the science station, reminding himself that patience is a Vulcan virtue. But still, he couldn't help wishing that the admiral hadn't discovered how entertained his son was by beeping and flashing lights.
"Look, Alex! Look at all the pretty colors--"
Crowing happily, Alex flopped over the science console and set the entire sensor array spinning.
"Admiral, perhaps Alex would be interested in the command seat--"
"No, there are only a few switches there. I never noticed it before, but you've got the most buttons on the whole ship, Spock. In fact, you've got a regular busy box here."
"Remind me to have one of these made up for him."
"I'd be happy to take care of that, Admiral," Scotty chimed in.
"Thank you, Mr. Scott. That's--oops oops oops! Here, Spock, take Alex."
The next thing Spock knew, he was holding his godson, who stared into his eyes and blew a bubble.
"Don't worry, Spock," Kirk said as he mopped up the science console. "I'm sure it can withstand a little spit-up."
Alex began crying and Spock began planning a full diagnostic.
"You seem to be doing pretty well, Suzanne," Uhura observed as the doors of the turbolift shut. "You don't seem tired or stressed at all."
"Well, Jim's been trying to jam about three years worth of fatherhood into two months, so I've had plenty of time to rest. In fact, if it weren't for feeding, I probably could have gone on vacation. But once the Enterprise warps out of here, I'm on my own."
"I have to. Jim's mother keeps threatening to come stay with me and 'show me the ropes.'"
"That might not be a bad idea."
"No. She's already asking if I'm going out on assignment soon. She can't wait to get her hands on him."
"Well, Suzanne, she does have a little more experience raising children than you do."
"I'm not worried. I've trained dogs and midshipmen. How bad can it be?"
Uhura, who had spent quite a bit of time around her nieces and nephews, just smiled.
The doors whooshed open and the two women stepped onto the bridge. Spock was at the science station, nodding thoughtfully over his diagnostic readings. Scotty was feeding data into the replicator and muttering to himself. Kirk was standing between the pilot's and navigator's stations, turning the baby back and forth as Chekov and Sulu argued over which of them would make a better mentor when Alex was ready for the Academy.
Uhura slipped into her seat and found that all frequencies were picking up an audio broadcast of "Make Way For Tribbles!" Chuckling, she began resetting the controls, knowing she would be humming "Soft and furry, sweet and purry" the rest of the day.
"Do you want me to take Alex off your hands?" Brandt asked as she stepped down to the main level.
"No, we're fine. He's getting a field promotion," Kirk said as he turned in her direction.
Seeing his mother approaching, Alex's eyes lit up as he stretched his arms toward her and smacked his lips loudly and lasciviously. Suzanne stopped momentarily, then blushing deeply, she said, "I guess it's feeding time. Can we use your quarters?"
"I'll go with you," Kirk replied, biting down a smile.
As they waited for the turbolift, Alex continued eyeing Suzanne and emitting loud sucking noises.
"You know, Alex," Kirk said, "if I did that, I'd get slapped."
"You would get so much worse than slapped," Suzanne retorted.
The family entered the turbolift and the doors shut behind them, almost cutting off the whoops of laughter from the bridge.
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