Star Trek and its characters are the property of Paramount. This not-for-profit piece of fan fiction is not intended to infringe on that ownership. The author's copyright applies only to the creative content and her original characters.
This story is one in a series about the relationship between James Kirk and Suzanne Brandt. The Kirk-Brandt Chronology lists all the stories, both in order of occurrence and order of creation.
This story is for every woman I've ever shared a dressing room with. Ladies, I salute you.
"Suzanne, I hate to ask this but...could you make yourself scarce for a while tonight?"
"Make myself scarce? Jim, I just got here. And I'm beaming to the Carolina tomorrow."
"I know. But I have Nogura's quarterly conference transmission."
"All right," she sighed. "If there's one thing I don't miss about commanding a space vessel, it's that conference. What time?"
"Starts at 2030 ship's time. It usually runs two or three hours."
In the Enterprise gymnasium, Captain Brandt debated whether to spend her evening in the rec hall or the ship's library. She started adjusting the weights on the bench press and looked around. The doors hissed open and a familiar figure entered.
"Lieutenant Uhura! Could I get a spot?"
As the two women finished setting the weights, Uhura said, "Captain Brandt, I know Captain Kirk has the conference link-up tonight so, if you don't have any plans, a few of the female officers are getting together in my quarters. If you'd like to join us..."
"A ladies-only bull session?" Brandt grinned. "You're on. What time?"
"Anytime after 2000. All right. How many reps, captain?"
"So what are you doing tonight?" Kirk asked as he watched Brandt buttoning a blouse covered with exotic imagery.
"I am invited to a bull session," she said importantly as she tucked the tails into her jeans and zipped up.
"Lieutenant Uhura." She stepped into a pair of soft leather moccasins.
"I just have one word for you, Brat." He put his arms around her. "Discretion."
"Please, JT. Discretion is my middle name." She kissed him lightly and headed for the exit.
The doors hissed open and he watched her round bottom sashay into the corridor.
As Suzanne entered Uhura's quarters, she couldn't help but notice that the only other guest was Nurse Chapel.
"Where is everyone? Am I early?"
"No, no. Some of them misread the duty roster," Uhura replied casually.
Brandt studied her for a moment. "I scared them off, didn't I? Because I'm a captain."
"Well...you know how the younger ones are."
"Hm. I guess rank hath its disadvantages. I can leave--"
"Absolutely not," Chapel said firmly. "It's their loss. Now what'll you have, captain?"
"Well...if this is a genuine bull session...I'm Suzanne."
"Christine. We've got whiskey, beer, or white wine."
"I'll start out classy--white wine."
"What do you think--magenta or sapphire?" Nurse Chapel held up two bottles of nail polish.
"Go with the blue, Chris," Uhura directed.
"Now that's something I've never done," Brandt remarked.
The other two women looked at her curiously.
"You've never worn nail polish?" Christine asked incredulously.
"No. I don't like the way it looks on short nails."
"You could paint your toenails."
"What would be the point of that? No one would ever see it."
"That's precisely the point. You're clomping around all day in your regulation fleet-issue boots and then you get back to your quarters and kick them off and voila! Ten cute colorful little piggies!"
Brandt and Uhura laughed appreciatively.
"Take off your shoes, I'll do your nails," Christine offered.
"Christine," Uhura elbowed her friend in a conspiratorial way. "She's afraid the captain will laugh when he sees it."
Brandt looked away, blushing with embarrassment.
"Suzanne. Trust us. He'll *love* it," the communications officer purred.
"Has he ever kissed your toes?"
"Has he ever kissed your toes?"
"Well...yes." The captain covered her face with her hands and moaned. "Oh god, I should *not* have said that. Not this early in the evening."
"Never mind that. If he's into toes, he will go *crazy* for nail polish. Now take off your shoes."
Ten minutes later, Nurse Chapel was stretched out on the floor applying a bright copper lacquer to Captain Brandt's toenails.
"Shouldn't I start with something more...subtle?" Brandt asked tentatively. "Like this?" She held out a bottle labeled Barely Rose.
Chapel looked up and shook her head. "You're not the titty pink type. Have another glass of wine."
"So what goes on in these conferences anyway?" Uhura asked as she served popcorn from the synthesizer.
"Why am I doing all the talking?" Brandt replied.
"You're the new kid on the block," Chapel pointed out. "Don't move. I've already smudged your pinky toe twice. Tell us about the conferences."
"Well, I've never been in on the starship conference, but when I was on the Wozniak, I had to participate in the scoutship commanders'. They're probably pretty much the same. First, Nogura calls the meeting to order. Then all the men whip out their dicks and compare sizes. Then--"
"Well, that's what they should do. Then you could at least move on to something meaningful. You never saw such macho posturing. They were all very polite and correct, of course, but I always had this mental image of bulls pawing the ground. And there were only two other women in the group."
"What could we do? We joined in. Nogura likes that sort of thing. He once said, 'When the captain walks onto the bridge, you should hear his balls clank.'"
"So I guess this conference is pretty much the same, only more so," Brandt concluded. "There still isn't a single woman commanding a starship."
"I imagine the testosterone level will be pretty high in the captain's quarters tonight," Uhura remarked pointedly. "How are you going to deal with that, Suzanne?"
"I don't know. I hadn't thought about it."
"Well, I know what *I* would do." Chapel looked up from her work. "If I were you...I'd shut up and dance."
"Christine! Are you suggesting that I should sacrifice my pride...sublimate my wants...just to satisfy his base, animal needs?"
Brandt looked thoughtfully at her two companions and drained her glass. "I could do that."
Uhura jumped up and pressed the comm link.
"Grady, this is Lieutenant Uhura. Will you notify me as soon as the captain's conference transmission is over?"
"Uhura out." She turned back to the other women. "You want to strike while the testosterone is hot, don't you?"
"I heard from the University of Ryonni yesterday. I can start next year if I want," Christine confided.
"Doing what?" Suzanne asked, admring her wiggling toes.
"Chris," Uhura sounded stunned. "You're not going to leave the Enterprise?"
"Probably not. Not yet anyway. But it's good to know I'd have somewhere to go."
There was a thoughtful silence.
"What would you do, Nyota? If you left the service?" Suzanne asked.
"I can't imagine not being in Starfleet." The communications officer thought carefully as she poured them each another glass of wine. "But I suppose...I would teach...somewhere. How about you?"
"I think..." Brandt looked around thoughtfully. Then a mischievous spark lit her eyes. "I would write my memoirs. And watch the money roll in."
"I hate to burst your bubble," Christine observed dryly, "but I don't believe anyone has made their fortune based on their military memoirs."
Brandt snorted. "That's because those old farts didn't know what to write about. They left out all the good stuff. And I don't mean first contacts. I'm talking about sex."
"You bet your sweet thrusters. The public is *dying* to know about our sex lives. Do you know how many times I've been asked if I've had sex in zero gravity?"
The other two shrugged in affirmation.
"I'd include *everything*," Brandt continued lasciviously. "Sex in zero gravity. Sex with too much gravity. Turbolift sex--"
"Sex while tied to a photon torpedo--as it's counting down!"
"Wait a minute." Uhura raised her hand. "You can't have done that, Suzanne."
"Literary license. I want this baby to *sell*!"
"Well, in that case...sex in the briefing room...during a briefing!"
"Yes! Alien mind-fucking sex!"
"Group sex where each member of the group is a different species!"
"Sex while occupying a body other than your own!"
"With the person who's occupying your body!"
"Wait!" Christine cried. "I've got the best one of all." She paused for dramatic effect. "Transporter sex," she growled.
"Ye-e-sss," Brandt breathed, awestruck by the very thought. "Can you imagine..." she whispered slowly, "...coming...just as your molecules are disassembled?"
"Done that," Uhura replied nonchalantly.
Brandt held up both hands. "Full stop. Reverse engines." She turned to Uhura and fixed her with a serious gaze. "Specify."
"Well," the hostess equivocated, "...it felt like it."
Brandt and Chapel looked at each other in amazement. Finally, Chapel smiled and asked in a sweet voice, "Who?"
Uhura smiled and stretched cat-like on the floor. "Sulu."
Her two listeners screamed in delight, very aware that they sounded like teenagers and loving every minute of it.
"I knew it!" Chapel shouted. "Anyone who's that good a dancer--"
"--would have to be good at the horizontal cha-cha!" Brandt finished.
"Details, details!" Christine clamored.
"Wait a minute, hold it! Uhura, don't say a word!" Suzanne interrupted. "Christine, she can't tell us details."
"Yeah, why not?" Uhura chimed in.
"*Because*," Brandt explained patiently, "if you tell details, *I* will have to tell details. And I can't tell you details about your own captain. I shouldn't have even told you that toe thing."
"Well..." Christine suggested. "You could tell us details about someone else."
"Who wants to hear that?" Uhura scowled.
"True." Struck by a sudden idea, the nurse punched Suzanne in the shoulder. "I know! You can do a Famous First!"
"What's that?" Brandt was suspicious.
"Yes!" Uhura agreed. "You can tell us anything you want--it just has to be about a first time. It can be as modest or as filthy as you want. First kiss, first blow job--anything."
"But it has to be about you and the captain," Christine added.
"Anything I want," Brandt stated carefully.
"Good." Chapel clapped her hands. "Now back to Sulu. I just want to know one thing, Nyota. Did he talk?"
"During. Did he talk? He's got the most gorgeous voice in the galaxy. *Please* tell me he talked."
"Oh, Nyota," they echoed, trying to imitate the helmsman's velvet baritone.
"'I'm approaching standard orbit.'"
Brandt and Chapel screamed and rocked with laughter.
"All right, I made that last one up."
"And now..." Christine beat a drumroll on the floor. "A famous first! Over to you, Suzanne!"
Suzanne drew a deep breath. "All right. A famous first. I'm going to tell you...a romantic story."
The storyteller ran her fingers through her hair. "When Jim and I were third-year cadets, we were assigned to a training mission aboard the Republic. One day, the chief engineer sent us to make some repairs in a Jeffries tube."
"Jeffries tube." Chapel raised her eyebrows and nudged Uhura.
"This is a *romantic* story, remember? Jim was working above me and I lost my balance. I used to be a real klutz. That's why I took up dancing--"
"Back to the Jeffries tube," Uhura said sternly.
"All right. I lost my balance and put my foot through one of the panels. And the next thing I knew, my right leg was caught behind the panel all the way up to my hip and it hurt like hell. I found out later it was broken in two places. So Jim scooted down to try to help me but he couldn't get past me. The best he could do was wedge himself behind me and help me stay upright so I wouldn't do any more damage. Well, we started yelling for help and pretty soon, half of engineering was looking up my skirt and arguing about how to get us out of there.
"They finally decided to cut away the panel so Jim could lower me down to them but that was going to take some time and I was in a lot of pain. They sent for the ship's surgeon and she said that if Jim could hold me up that long, she'd pass up a hypo of painkiller. So she did and he shot me and then I just drooped against him."
She sighed and smiled contentedly.
"I don't get the point of that story," Christine said.
"You don't think it's romantic? The first time a man gets a woody for you?" Brandt asked incredulously.
"But how do you know--" Uhura asked thoughtfully, "--that it was the *first* time?"
"That's true," Brandt straightened in surprise. "I may have haunted his dreams for years."
"So what happened?" Christine pursued eagerly. "After your leg was fixed. Did you go after him?"
"Well...we were friends. And we were both seeing other people at the time. I was dating Bill Ramirez--do you know him? Big burly guy. He's the head of security aboard the Fairchild now. And Jim was seeing this absolute waste of space named Ruth."
"Oh ho!" Christine chortled. "Tell us about Ruth."
"Big blond hair, blue eyes, chipmunk cheeks, and a total vacuum where her brain should have been. Everytime she came around and called him 'Jim *daa-rling*', I just about threw up."
"Sounds like somebody was jealous," Uhura observed quietly.
"Hell, yes. I hated everyone he went out with. And don't you *dare* tell him I said that."
"Nothing leaves this room," Uhura said reassuringly. "You know that."
"Good." A smile crept across Suzanne's face. She dropped her voice to a confidential whisper. "You know, Jim is a very attractive man, but you should have seen him when we first met."
Uhura and Chapel exchanged subtle glances, thoroughly enjoying the sight of Captain Brandt mooning like a schoolgirl.
"Sixteen years old, fresh off the farm, confident and cocky as hell, and so...*young*! God! He looked almost...innocent."
"Captain Kirk?!" Uhura and Chapel sputtered in unison.
"So who do you think enjoys sex more--men or women?" Brandt asked, pouring out the last of the wine.
"Women. Definitely." Uhura said without even thinking about it.
"Yes," Brandt nodded. "Women."
"Women," Christine agreed. "And as a medical expert, I will prove it."
"This should be good," Uhura said.
"Scientific proof that women enjoy sex more than men." The medical expert cleared her throat authoritatively. "When you put your finger in your ear to scratch it, which feels better--your finger or your ear?"
There was a moment of thoughtful silence.
"Oh my god!" Brandt exclaimed. "Of course!"
"Is that what they teach in medical school?" Uhura chortled.
"Grady here, lieutenant. The captain's conference transmission just ended."
"Thank you, ensign. Uhura out." The communications officer turned to Captain Brandt. "Duty calls."
Brandt stood carefully and brushed the stray popcorn kernels off her clothing. "Ladies. It has been delightful."
The doors slid open and Brandt stepped out into the corridor.
"Don't forget to show him your toes!" Nurse Chapel called after her.
Captain Brandt pressed the chime outside Captain Kirk's quarters.
She almost did as she was swept into the most highly charged kiss of her entire life.
She didn't even have time to take off her shoes.
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