Star Trek and its characters are the property of Paramount. This not-for-profit piece of fan fiction is not intended to infringe on that ownership. The author's copyright applies only to the creative content and her original characters.
Ah, yes. Another beautiful morning at TrekSmut University. The fountain spurting gloriously, Loch Emuptite placid and mysterious, Bobby tut-tutting as he matches nouns and verbs. And in Ten-Backwards (known to the uninitiated as the TOS Faculty Lounge), the esteemed scions of erotica academia were enjoying their morning comestibles.
Suddenly, the silence was shattered by an ecstatic scream, and Jungle Kitty burst in, sputtering unintelligibly. How can you tell, you ask. How, indeed?
Slamming down the Well Endowed William Shatner chair, she waved her arms excitedly and babbled, "Mrph--Krgh--thbbb--"
"You can't do the whole thing until you tell us what it is," said Ned, who was always up for a good pantomime. "Movie, book, or song?"
Drawing a deep breath, JK grabbed raku by the collar and demanded, "What's the word? When you figure out something really great and want to get people's attention so you can make an important announcement?"
"YES! That's it!" She flung raku back into hir chair. "Eureka, everybody! Eureka!"
All heads turned indulgently towards the Kirkologist, who had been known in the past to become excessively excited over Treksmuttish minutiae. But such are the makings of a true genius--or nutcase. And in this instance, the jury was still out.
"I have just made a discovery," she announced importantly, "that will revolutionize Kirkology!"
"Again?" jonk muttered, momentarily distracted from hir morning JiffyPop.
"JK," Wildcat said kindly. "At the TupperTrek party--by any chance, were those *magic* snicker-doodles?"
Gayle looked up from her sewing and frowned. "If you're going to use *language,* I'm going to have to leave."
"NOBODY LEAVES!" Kitty roared. "Now." She smiled sweetly. "This insight came to me--as do all great insights--while I was walking Buster."
At the sound of his name, Buster's ears perked up, but JK's bright, quick, cute, and perpetually horny dog continued to hump Scarlet's leg. Smiling politely, Scarlet made the mistake of petting him, which he took to mean, 'Oh, baby--harder--faster--give it to me good!'
Jungle Kitty, who took her responsibilities as a dog owner very seriously (and was acutely aware that she was being upstaged), growled, "Hey, you in the dog suit! Knock! It! Off!"
Buster immediately ceased his inappropriate behavior. (And that is how we know this is fiction.) Skittering fearfully past Doctor Science, he cruised the rest of the room, giving each Tosser a strangely soulful gaze that could only be interpreted as slashy.
"Do you find it odd that Jungle Kitty has a dog?" T'Pat whispered to jonk, who was politely passing around the JiffyPop. No one was eating any, of course. Only jonk would eat something that nasty.
"Not *that* dog," jonk replied as Buster cornered Laurel and singled her out for 'a very special friendship.'
"Attention over here, please!" JK called out in her best training persona voice. "I was thinking about Kirk and EVEs--" she began, strangely lit from the Kirk-light that burned deep within her soul. Not to mention the champagne she'd had on her cornflakes that morning.
"Wake me when she says something new," Laura JV mumbled as she flopped down on the sofa.
"You should really pay attention here," JK said sternly. "I am about to rescue you from the judgment of the ages. If not for the incredible wisdom that I am about to impart, you would all go down in history as the Treksmut equivalent of the Flat Earth Society."
"Well, now I'm impressed," beamed Mary Ellen. "I wasn't sure you knew the Earth was round."
"That was second-grade science, Doc. It was *third* grade where they lost me."
"Will everyone just be quiet and let her talk?" raku entreated. "The sooner she finishes, the sooner we can poke holes in her theory."
"This theory is hole-proof!" JK crowed. "Ahem. The EVE I was pondering was the one on the bridge--"
"The bridge had an EVE?" Arachnethe2 asked, frowning.
"No, *Kirk* had the EVE *while* he was on the bridge. And the episode was 'Obsession.' It's a very mysterious EVE, one that is not easily explained. He just bursts out of the turbolift, with his manly bits at their most manly and least bit-like."
"And it couldn't possibly have anything to do with Janice Rand standing right behind him, wiping her mouth and brushing off her kneecaps," sniggered Robin.
JK's eyes narrowed. "Although I agree that the only believable role for the pasty-faced Rand would be that of a fluffer, she does *not* appear in the scene in question. Nor does Kirk ever--EVER--need a fluffer. Now--back to a more credible explanation. Why does Kirk have a hard-on? Spock is on the other side of the bridge, and Kirk comes out of the turbolift fully erect, before he even sees Spock--"
"Anticipation?" sydvick suggested.
"Please. This is not a ketchup commercial. Now where was I? Oh, yes! There's no beautiful female guest star nearby. They're in the middle of a crisis. And then it came to me! It's so obvious! *They're in the middle of a crisis!*"
There was a long silence before Judith prompted, "And...?"
"*Aaaaand*...In the *middle* of a *crisis*, in the *face* of *almost* *certain* *death*--"
"JK, Bobby's going to take away your asterisks again," warned Wildcat.
Ignoring the interruption, Kitty continued triumphantly, "Captain Kirk displays his *testimonium fortitudinis*!"
"Huh? Say what?" from Greywolf.
"Testimony to fortitude," explained the ever-helpful raku.
"Exactly!" JK cried. "Thank you, raku. I knew you would understand."
"I understand the *phrase,* but I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Then I shall enlighten you. Imagine this. You're a junior officer, or a non-com, perhaps even a crewman. You've never been in such a terrifying situation. You're scared shitless. And then you see the captain, with a pole in his pants that you could run a flag up and salute! You'd think, 'Well, gosh, maybe things aren't so bad after all!' And even if you *do* think things *are* so bad, you'd say to yourself, 'Now *that's* fortitude! If the captain can face death with a woody you could drive nails with, then, by god, I can at least sit up straight and stop sniveling!'"
Totally carried away with herself, JK executed a flourishing double-titty-pop curtsy.
(A double-titty-pop curtsy is actually rather impressive, but, when done with a flourish while carried away with oneself, it can be quite painful. But some things are Just Worth It.)
"Ow..." she moaned as she left the room, tenderly massaging her nipples.
After throwing Laurel a "catch ya later, babe" look, Buster followed.
The occupants of Ten-Backwards stared at each other.
"Well...I'll give her this much. It's original." jonk munched thoughtfully on the last of the JiffyPop.
"Where did she ever learn a term like testimonium fortitudinis?" asked raku, shaking hir head in disbelief.
"I mentioned it to her," Judith explained. "But I was talking about a painting of the crucifixion."
"You know, it's not completely implausible," mused Ned. "Those scenes where they're all about to die and they turn to Kirk..."
The Tossers turned to each other as the light dawned simultaneously in each and every one of them.
"Waiting for wood!" they breathed in awe.
If you navigated to this story from anywhere on my website, that window is probably still open right behind this one. If you navigated to this story from anywhere else, please visit Invisible Planets for more of my stories.