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The two figures tottered unsteadily toward the doorway marked "The REAL K/S Fandom--Fundamentalists Only. Dress code strictly enforced."
"Jim," the taller of the two said, "I still do not understand why we must engage in this subterfuge."
"We have to find Judith. And I want to know what's going on in this TupperTrek Universe. Ouch!" Kirk cried as his ankle turned painfully. Hopping on one foot, he rubbed the injured appendage. "How *do* they walk in these things?" he muttered as he stepped back into his three-inch high heels.
"I believe their ability to function in such footwear can be attributed to the way their weight is distributed. I, too, find it uncomfortable."
"Uncomfortable? It's torture. Are my seams straight?" Kirk turned and displayed the back of two very shapely legs.
"Will you two hurry up?" A flame-haired woman of generous proportions stepped out of the shadows. "Greywolf's already gone in. You should have seen him. I lent him my Deanna Troi dress."
"Sorry, Kitty," Kirk said. "We had a little trouble in the wardrobe department."
"*And* the makeup department, *and* the hair department," Spock continued in an irritable tone.
"I like to look my best, all right?" Kirk answered peevishly. "I don't know how women deal with all of that."
"Oh, quit your bitchin'," Jungle Kitty growled. "No one's asking you to have a baby." She eyed them critically, thinking that the basket-weave hairdo did nothing for either of them. Oh, well. "Now let's go."
"Wait." Kirk turned to Spock uncomfortably. "Spock...does this dress make me look fat?"
Before the Vulcan could respond, Jungle Kitty pulled him aside and murmured, "The answer to that question is always 'No.'"
"They do when they want to stay in a relationship."
Spock considered his options, turned to Kirk, and said, "No, you do not appear fat."
"All right, let's go," Kitty said impatiently, and pushed the door open.
Relieved that her disguise (a Hello Kitty sweater and pink hair ribbons) had proven successful, Jungle Kitty gushed like the winner of the Miss America pageant. "Amber Rose St. Swithinsmyth! Samantha Vulcanheart! Kiss-kiss! I've brought along two newbies. This is Jamie--"
The blond fluttered her eyelashes and smiled sweetly.
"Daphne," said the dark-haired newbie.
Amber Rose eyed them suspiciously. They hadn't admired her tasteful new sweater set and were therefore not to be trusted. "Where are you from?"
"Cheboygan," Jamie replied at the same moment that Daphne answered, "Chicago."
"We have to be extra careful lately," Samantha explained, her eyes filling with tears for no apparent reason. "There have been rumors that people from another universe have been trying to sneak in." She rattled her bracelets, perhaps to ward off evil. "The TSU Universe."
"TSU!" Jamie repeated, shuddering dramatically. "We wouldn't be caught *dead* at TSU--"
"Well, gotta go!" Kitty said brightly as she hauled her two charges away. When they were out of earshot of the others, she hissed, "*Daphne*?"
"I do not care for the name Sally. And while we are on the topic of names, I am not overly fond of Sport."
"All right. But no more last minute switches, understand? Now where's Grey--I mean Geraldine?"
"Right here, dearie," said a voice behind her.
Kitty and the two newbies turned and were greeted by a short curvaceous person.
"Geraldine?" Jamie gulped, staring down hir cleavage.
"Amazing what whalebone can do, what?" chortled Geraldine, happily hoisting hir drink.
"Don't spill on that dress! I have to wear it to a wedding next week!" Kitty warned.
At that moment, the meeting was called to order.
"Welcome, ladies, welcome!" cried a tidy, cheerful little woman at the podium.
The welcome was returned in the form of girlish giggles and high-pitched calls of "Hi, Junie Mae Jo!" and "Yoo hoo!"
"Do you like my new jacket?" Junie Mae Jo asked. "I made it myself." She began pointing out the badly doctored photographs that were glued to her perfectly crocheted garment. "Here's Kirk and Spock holding hands at Niagara Falls. And here they are looking at each other's baby pictures--"
As the TupperTrekkers oohed and aahed, the TSU folk groaned and made retching noises. Junie Mae Jo's head snapped up, and she addressed the crowd, sounding like John Cleese at his most outrageously pompous.
"No! No! Men? No! Never!" cried the feminine chorus.
"I wouldn't be caught *dead* with men," Jamie babbled to the woman next to hir. "Rough, hairy beasts, and they all just want one thing from a girl--"
Hir diatribe was cut off when Kitty elbowed hir in the side and whispered, "Don't overdo it."
"Then the meeting will come to order," Junie Mae Jo announced as she fluffed her poofty-do. "Let's proceed with the committee reports. We'll start off with Samantha Vulcanheart."
"Thank you, Junie Mae Jo," Samantha said as she stepped up to the podium. "This month at CHEESES--the Committee for Hot, Explicit, Erotic Sex in Every Story--we've been working on the corrections to 'Eye for an Eye.' We decided it would take too much time to write a sex scene, so we copied one from some Nanny fanfic, changing the names, of course. And I hope we didn't overstep our bounds, but we removed all the contractions from Spock's speech, took out the disgusting parts where Kirk and Spock were attracted to women, and gave it a happy ending!"
The crowd cheered and applauded.
"Excellent work!" Junie Mae Jo cried. "I'm sure we're all grateful to the CHEESES ladies. Now, Amber Rose, what have you been up to?"
Amber Rose heaved a heartfelt sigh. "I think it was very unfair of you to assign me to 'The Uneasy Dancers.' This is a lot tougher than you realize. There are quite a few K/Sers who are actually enjoying those--those--those Brandt stories!"
"I hope you're taking down names," Junie Mae Jo said sternly.
"Don't worry, I am. But I can't fix that story without fixing 'Blood Claim' and 'The 1000th Woman' and all the other stories. So I think we just should ban the whole series!"
The crowd murmured its assent.
"No, ladies, we can't do that," Junie Mae Jo said condescendingly. "That would be censorship. However, we can remove all the objectionable parts."
"Excuse me." Daphne raised hir hand. "I fail to understand the reasoning behind your assertion that it is acceptable to remove the parts to which you object. Would that not be considered censorship?"
"Oh, no, no, no!" Junie Mae Jo chortled like a clogged drain. "That's editorial control."
"Hooray!" the crowd responded. "Three cheers for editorial control!"
"Now, Amber Rose," Junie Mae Jo continued sympathetically, "why don't you just go through all the stories and change Brandt to Spock? That shouldn't be too hard."
"But what about the parts where she laughs and smiles and--"
"That's all right, as long as you make it the special laugh and special smile that Spock saves only for Jim."
"All right," Amber grumbled and sat back down.
"But be sure to leave in the part in 'Blood Claim' where she cries. I love when Spock cries, don't you?"
The crowd sighed its agreement.
"But only if it causes Jim to realize how much he loves him! Yes, that's true love," Junie Mae Jo said wistfully.
Daphne leaned in to hir companions and whispered, "I believe I see Ms. Gran. She is tied to a chair behind the podium."
Indeed she was. Bound hand and foot with a very nice macrame rope.
"Good, Spo--er, Daphne!" Jamie said. "You two create a diversion and..." Hir voice trailed off as Junie Mae Jo continued.
"I would like to propose a toast to all the fine work we're doing to preserve the Sacred and Undying Love of Kirk and Spock. So let us all raise our white wine spritzers--"
"Is that what this is? Bleagh!" Geraldine spit on the floor.
"--and salute our Noble Cause. To the Glorification of K/S Through Pussification!"
"Pussification!" echoed the crowd ecstatically.
"NOW THAT'S ENOUGH!" A bright, golden, *male* voice cut through the hubbub.
The TupperTrekkers fluttered and tut-tutted, and a few even fainted, for no reason other than it seemed like the girly thing to do. Greywolf sat down on one of the larger ones, lit up a joint, and settled back to enjoy the show.
"LISTEN TO ME!" Jamie roared in a voice that every person in that room should have recognized. And it was downright criminal how few did. "You have no right to pussify Kirk and Spock! I *demand* that you release them from the Tupperware hell in which you have imprisoned them!"
"How dare you?" Junie Mae Jo cried. "You're just a newbie! Who are you to tell us--?"
"I'll tell you who I am." Jamie tore off hir wig. "I'm James T. Kirk!"
Junie Mae Jo fainted dead away. Then her toes curled up and her feet disappeared under a nearby table.
<Standard Kirk speech, in which he explains the error of their ways. You're not really going to make me write it out, are you?>
THREE HOURS LATER--TSU UNIVERSE, A BAR ADJACENT TO BOTH ASCEM AND ASC
"Well, all's well that ends well," Judith raised her glass in a toast.
"Here's to TrekSmut, in all its wondrous variety, and its fans, in all *their* wondrous variety!" Greywolf cried, breathing a hearty sigh of relief. He really hated that whalebone.
Spock solemnly nodded in agreement. He was most relieved to be back in his uniform, free of wig and makeup. Although he had rather enjoyed the blue eyeshadow...
"Hear, hear!" cried all the TSUers. Yes, all of them had managed to gather around the small table. You, too. You're right over there, flirting with the waiter.
"Where's the captain?" Judith asked. "I would think he'd be celebrating with us."
"He is exercising his testimonium fortitudinis," Spock explained.
"Doing what he does best," JK said. "Seducing the enemy into seeing things his way."
"But they all agreed! K/S must embrace IDIC, or it's all a sham. Who's left to seduce?" Kaki asked.
At that moment, they were joined by the lovely Jamie, only slightly disheveled from hir latest conquest. The delectable human dropped an extremely expensive bracelet onto the table, which landed with a loud THUNK! Then Jamie sank into a chair and muttered, "I feel like such a tramp. Taking gifts under false pretenses."
"There is a Vulcan expression." Spock put his mouth near his t'hy'la's ear and whispered, "Get it while you are young."
Jamie smiled just a little, then a little more. Finally hir face broke into a huge grin, and the captain of the Enterprise shouted for a round of Romulan ale.
"Mission accomplished, Captain?" JK asked.
"Oh, yes," Kirk replied, as he doffed his wig and wiped off his makeup with the cocktail napkins. "Very much so."
"Romulan ale?" Kaki asked. "Isn't that a little pricey?"
"Don't worry about it." Kirk picked up the weighty, diamond-studded bracelet and dangled it from his fingertips as his hazel eyes sparkled merrily. "It's on Mr. Ordover's tab."
The ale arrived and, after pouring out a glass for each of his companions, Kirk stood, raised his glass high, and said in a ringing voice, "To Pocket Books' newest series--*Really* Strange, *Really* New Worlds!"
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