Star Trek and its characters are the property of Paramount. This not-for-profit piece of fan fiction is not intended to infringe on that ownership. The author's copyright applies only to the creative content and her original characters.
Wearing a replica of the outfit worn by Joan Crawford in "Johnny Guitar" and with a ferocity worthy of Rambo, Professor Potts kicked in the door of Wildcat's Super Palace of Treksmut.
"All right! I want some answers from you flea-bitten furballs, and I want them now!" she growled.
Wildcat and her two companions skittered across the floor, looking for hiding places, but the Palace was of course decorated with tasteful minimalism. Eventually, Wildcat and Greywolf cowered behind the stacks of aging videotapes, and Jungle Kitty hid behind the Well Endowed William Shatner Chair, once again glad that she brought it everywhere.
"G-G-Gayle?" Wildcat's voice trembled as she peered out fearfully.
"That's Professor Potts to you!"
"Er, Professor, is there a problem?" Greywolf asked as he stretched a paw towards the doobie that lay just out of his reach.
"Yes, there's a problem," the professor replied, as she squashed the joint under the toe of her high-heeled boot. "WHERE ARE MY DOLLS?"
The Spock doll rose slowly over the videotapes.
"Here's Spock," Wildcat said timidly.
"And Kirk." Jungle Kitty slid the miniature captain across the floor.
"And their parts," Greywolf sighed regretfully, as he set the manly bits down near the Professor's boot.
"Good." Professor Potts gathered up the precious poppets. "I'm tired of you three poaching on my territory."
"We're sorry," Wildcat said contritely.
"Not yet you aren't. But you will be." The professor stuffed Kirk into her left holster and Spock into her right. She looked around for an appropriate place in which to store the manly bits, muttering, "Oh, snicker-doodles!"
"Er...those aren't snicker-doodles, they're--" Greywolf said helpfully.
"QUIET! I know what they are," the professor snarled as she tucked the not-snicker-doodles into her right breast pocket. Then she turned to the three miscreants. "Jungle Kitty--by 6 o'clock, I want a happy K/S. I suggest you write the ending first."
"And there's a difference between silly and happy. Greywolf--you're going to host a TupperTrek party."
"They'll be here at three! Now you, Wildcat."
"You're going to watch a digitally altered version of Star Trek: The Motion Picture."
"Without Spock?" she whimpered tearfully.
"Oh, no, he's there. But he's played by...Basil Rathbone!"
With a maniacal laugh (well, an attempt at a maniacal laugh--it actually sounded more like a seal in heat), the professor left the scene. Wildcat sprang across the room and grabbed Jungle Kitty by the throat.
Thinking quickly, Greywolf threw a bucket of cold water on the two felines.
"Kitty, what did you tell?" he said sternly.
"Nothing!" she sputtered. "I haven't told a soul!"
"Then how did she know?" Wildcat screamed, splattering the room with drops of water as she shook herself off.
"Know what?" Greywolf demanded.
"JK ruined my 'Spock in black' fantasy by pointing out that his costume in The Motion Picture looked like something Basil Rathbone wore in Robin Hood!"
"It was an accident," the professor of Kirkology muttered. "I'm sorry, Wildcat. But I didn't tell anyone, I swear."
"Then how did Gayle know?" Wildcat's eyes narrowed suspiciously.
"I'm not sure that *was* Gayle." JK looked bewildered. "Not *our* Gayle."
"You don't think--?" Greywolf whispered.
"Oh, will you three get a grip?" Captain Brandt drawled as she pushed aside the shattered door and stepped into the room. "*I* told Gayle about Basil Rathbone." She picked up the crushed joint and rolled it gently under her nose. "Ahhhh! Good shit, GW!"
"Oh nooooo," JK moaned as her creation lit up and toked. Facing the accusing stares of Wildcat and Greywolf, she confessed, "This is all my fault. Gayle wanted to learn to swear, so I sent Captain Brandt to her house to teach her." She turned angrily on the pride of Special Ops. "But you were just supposed to teach her 'hell' and 'damn!'"
"Hell and damn?" Brandt repeated incredulously as she passed the doobie to Greywolf. "Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick! Why don't I just teach her to whistle the score to 'Mary Poppins?'"
"But--" Greywolf sucked back a healthy toke. "She wasn't swearing. She was just pissed off."
"*Really* pissed off," Wildcat added.
"She wasn't ready for swearing," Brandt explained. "So we did a little assertiveness training."
"Well, thanks a lot, Kitty," Greywolf groused. "I'll expect you at three."
"I'll be busy writing a happy K/S."
"Woman, if I'm hosting a TupperTrek party, *you're* hosting a TupperTrek party. Bring all that Hello Kitty shit." He stormed out of the room.
"And I'll expect you here immediately afterwards," Wildcat said as she pushed JK toward the door. "If I have to watch The Motion Picture, *you* have to watch The Motion Picture!"
"And I'm going to get someone to digitally remaster it so Kirk is played by an Evil Real Estate Developer!"
In the hallway, author and character faced each other.
"Come on, Suzanne," Jungle Kitty said angrily. "My office. Now."
"Sorry, you're on your own. I'm meeting with President Gifford. I think I should head up the TSU Department of Personal Growth."
"Oh, no, you don't! If I have to write a happy K/S, *you* have to write a happy K/S!"
Down at the lake, Robin and Jeanita looked up and saw blue streaks shooting out Jungle Kitty's window in the TOS building.
"Catfight!" Robin cried in delight. "Let's go!"
When they reached JK's office, they found a small crowd of students and faculty had gathered to listen in on the heated debate raging inside.
"Will you get off the goddamn Chair and type?"
"No! Kirk would never say that!"
"What the fuck is the difference?"
"I'm the one with the muse, remember?"
"Screw your muse and the horse she rode in on!"
There was a loud scream and sounds of furniture being turned over.
"Oh, hoist me up, mates! I gotta see this!" Robin scrambled onto the available shoulders and peered through the transom.
"Are they pulling hair?" Ned asked.
"Of course not!" Robin snorted. "That would be girly."
"Oh, wait. They *are* pulling hair. And biting. And scratching. Let me down. This is disgusting."
Robin jumped down to the floor and walked away, shaking her head.
"Maybe we should try to stop it," jonk said.
"There's only one person who can stop it," Scarlet replied. "A man as handsome as Apollo, as cunning as Hermes, as--"
"All right, somebody send for Captain Kirk," raku instructed.
"He's an admiral now. I think," Judy said.
"Really?" asked Wildcat. "The way things keep jumping around, I can't keep track."
"Well, send for the admiral--" Laurel began.
At that moment, campus security showed up, in the form of the English Police. Well, one British Bobby, to be exact.
"'Ere now, 'ere now!" he bellowed as he pushed his way to the center of the crowd. "Wot's all this then?"
"Officer!" Wildcat squeaked. "Jungle Kitty and Captain Brandt are trying to kill each other! Over a story!"
"Any misspelled words? Grammatical errors?"
Everyone looked at each other and shrugged.
"I should arrest all of you for false alarm," he said sternly.
"They had a dangling participle!" raku cried.
"Watch out there, young person!" Bobby reprimanded hir. "This story is rated PG. There'll be no dangling of participles!"
"There *was* that run-on sentence," Mary Ellen volunteered.
"They fixed--" Greywolf started.
"Shut up," Mary Ellen said with a forceful elbow in the Wolf's ribcage.
"Run-on sentence, eh?" Bobby said thoughtfully. "Well, I'll just 'ave a look-see." He rapped sharply on the door. "English Police 'ere! Open up in there!"
The racket in JK's office suddenly stopped. As the door slowly opened, Bobby turned to the crowd and waved them away, saying, "Well, move along, move along! Show's over!"
"Good morning, Admiral!" Bobby called out as he crossed in front of the fountain. "Lovely morning, isn't it?"
"Yes, it is, Bobby," Admiral Kirk replied as he munched on a snicker-doodle. "Nice and quiet."
"Ah, well, you should have been 'ere earlier, sir."
"Bit of a dust-up, sir. Your lady friend and Professor Kitty. Going at it 'ammer and tongs, they were."
"A catfight? And no one called me?"
"Well, to be truthful, sir, they tried, but..."
"Gave 'em all citations, I did, sir!"
"And I chased that Rudy right off campus, sir!" Bobby called as Admiral Kirk turned toward the TOS faculty building.
Kirk smiled as he brushed snicker-doodle crumbs from his uniform.
*So the Brat and the Cat got into a fight? Sorry I missed that. Oh, well. There'll be another, I'm sure. Better see what I can kiss and make better.*
He reached down and checked that his manly bits were in place. After all, stranger things have happened at TSU.
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