Star Trek and its characters are the property of Paramount. This not-for-profit piece of fan fiction is not intended to infringe on that ownership. The author's copyright applies only to the creative content and her original characters.Stephen Ratliff, the coordinator of the ASC awards, wanted to do a ceremony in which the awards were presented by the various pairs. He wanted Captains Kirk and Brandt to present the award for Best Kirk-Female story and asked me to write the presentation. At the time I wrote this, I didn't know the results of the voting.
Captains Kirk and Brandt enter from opposite sides of the stage and cross to the center podium. He is magnificent in his full dress uniform and she's not looking too shabby either, in a sapphire-blue cocktail dress that clings in all the right places. Each carries a 5x7 card with the scripted presentation written on it.
Kirk smiles appreciatively and says, "Captain Brandt. Nice to see you out of uniform."
Brandt smiles and decides to play along. "You've seen me out of uniform before, Captain Kirk."
"As well as a few other things."
"Watch yourself, JT. This is ASC, not ASCEM." She addresses the audience. "When Stephen first asked me to be a presenter in this category, I was understandably reluctant. But stronger forces prevailed--"
Kirk grins and explains, "It's not every man who can rig a game of rock-paper-scissors."
"So here we are, about to present the awards for stories about--" She turns to Kirk. "--*you* and a female. Not necessarily me."
He squeezes her hand (after all, they're in public) and says, "Just be grateful that so few people write in this category."
The 1000th woman begins counting quietly. "1001, 1002..."
Kirk whispers sternly, "Behave yourself and I'll take you to Home Depot later." Her eyes light up and he continues, "Now aren't you glad you came?"
Rim shot from offstage drummer.
Kirk clears his throat and reads from the card. "In TOS, there have been many romantic pairings. Spock and Leila, McCoy and Natira, Christine Chapel and Roger Corby."
Brandt reads from her card. "But none so famous as--Who wrote this?"
Brandt sighs and continues. "But none so famous as James T-for-Tomcat Kirk and just about every woman he ever met, a tradition that is proudly carried on in fan fiction." She puts down the card and addresses the audience. "I'd like to share what I thought the 'T' stood for when we first met--"
Kirk interrupts quickly. "We don't have time for this, do we, Stephen?" Stephen shrugs, which Kirk chooses to interpret as affirmation. "So let's move right to the awards. The third-place award for Kirk-female is a tie, going to...
Two Spoons and a Butterfly
The Kirk-Brandt Blooper Reel
and The 1000th Woman
Brandt announces, "The second-place award for Kirk-female goes to Jungle Kitty for The Gift-Wrapped Captain."
To the flourish of a drum roll, Kirk opens the envelope and announces, "And the first-place award for the Best Kirk-Female Story for 1997 goes to Jungle Kitty for Star Spangled Night."
[This next part was added after the winners were announced.]
Long pause. Stephen hurries offstage, then returns to the podium and has the following whispered conversation with the two captains.
Stephen: Backstage, helping with costumes.
Kirk: I know. She tore my pants off and I didn't need to change.
Stephen: Well, right now, she's got Spock half undressed and says there isn't an award in the world that's worth abandoning that for.
Stephen speaks into the microphone.
Stephen: Accepting the award for Jungle Kitty...Captain Suzanne Brandt.
Brandt: Oh, this will *definitely* put all that Mary Sue talk to rest.
She steps up to the microphone.
Brandt: Well...on behalf of Jungle Kitty...ummm...I'm sure she'd want to thank everyone who voted for these stories...and all the readers and feedback senders...and the people who have inspired her--specifically, the superintendent of my building and the woman across the hall... (with sudden decisiveness) And if she had the sense God gave a goat, she'd thank Captain Kirk and me for all we've put up with. Do you have any idea what it feels like to get all hot and bothered and have someone type "sex--to be written"?
Noises off. Jungle Kitty runs onstage. She is exactly what you would expect.
Kirk: What's going on back there?
Jungle Kitty: Have you ever heard the expression "Don't get your knickers in a twist"? Maybe you should go explain it to your first officer.
Jungle Kitty: I'd like to thank...
Jungle Kitty: Oh. Well, I guess we're done here.
The two women exit arm-in-arm as Jungle Kitty whispers urgently, "Now tell me what happened in the limo. And don't leave out a thing!"
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