Star Trek and its characters are the property of Paramount. This not-for-profit piece of fan fiction is not intended to infringe on that ownership. The author's copyright applies only to the creative content and her original characters.
Thursday afternoon, 1400 hours (2 p.m.), TOS Building, the Nyota Uhura Auditorium
Every seat is filled, and there are even a few people standing in the back. Most of the TOS faculty are present. They attend this lecture every year. It's kind of fun to watch Jungle Kitty try to convert the heathen.
JK enters and steps up to the podium. As usual, she is exactly what you would expect.
"Good afternoon. We're here today to discover our inner Kirkians and maybe even our inner Kirkologists. What's the difference between the two? A Kirkian prefers James T. Kirk to other Star Trek characters. However, a Kirkian is not necessarily a Kirkologist. In many cases, Kirkians are a subset of K/S, the other subset being, of course, Spockians. However, a Kirkologist is capable of reading, writing, and enjoying stories about James T. Kirk, *regardless of who he's paired with*."
Audible gasps and even cries of "Blasphemy!" as two-thirds of the audience get up and leave.
"Why don't the rest of you move up to the front, and we'll get down to business?"
The remainder of the audience moves into the first three rows. Jungle Kitty smiles benevolently. (This is another reason the faculty likes to attend this lecture--for the rare sight of JK on her best behavior.)
She sits down on the edge of the stage, wincing slightly and reminding herself not to peek through keyholes unless there's someone guarding your rear. She gestures grandly, and a huge photograph is lowered from the fly space (you'll pardon the expression). Our Hero in a black tank top. Yes, the picture they showed *three times* on A&E. After gazingly adoringly at the picture for several moments, Jungle Kitty turns to the audience, a look of utter bliss lighting her face.
"Uh oh." Wildcat nudges Jonk. "I think she's going to sing `Over the Rainbow.'"
"She can't," Jonk whispers. "Ruth confiscated her karaoke machine."
"As I said," Jungle Kitty begins, "a Kirkologist will read, write, and enjoy stories about James T. Kirk, *regardless of who he's paired with*. By way of illustration, I'd like you to listen to a passage from sydvick's `Chocolate Swirl.'"
Sydvick steps up to the lectern and reads from "Chocolate Swirl."
JK's eyes are sparkling with joy. "Wasn't that lovely? Jim Kirk making love to a dish of ice cream. Oooooo baby! Makes you jealous of the ice cream, doesn't it? Which brings us to another topic. Jealousy. It is perfectly natural to be jealous of Kirk's partners, or anything else that's doing something to him that you want to do."
Wildcat steps up and reads from "The Hayloft."
"Oooooooh, that bead of sweat," Jungle Kitty moans, fanning herself with a cheap fan that has `Niagara Falls 1965' printed across it. "Have that boy washed and sent to my tent." She turns to the audience. "Was it good for you, too?"
"Then let's move on to *Jim Kirk left to his own devices.* We're very fortunate today, because Judith Gran has graciously taken an afternoon off from her work with DICK."
"What kind of work is *that*?" asks a student in the front row.
"Judith is the Chief Litigator for Defenders of IDIC Can't Kwit--DICK," Jungle Kitty explains.
Judith steps up to the podium.
"Gee, she looks so *normal*," whispers one of the students.
"They all do," replies the girl next to her. "That's what's so weird."
There is a loud noise as Greywolf slams into the auditorium.
GW looks around the almost-empty room. "Hey, JK," he calls. "I see you already did the `no matter who he's with' bit."
"No, you didn't miss it. Why don't you take a seat?"
Two burly men carry in the Leonard Nimoy Chair, as Arachnethe2 shoos three students out of the best seats in the house. The burlies remove those chairs and set the Nimoy Chair in their place. Grinning and scratching happily, the Wolf settles in.
Jungle Kitty rolls her eyes, wishing she'd brought the William Shatner Chair. But she really can't talk sensibly in its presence. And when she sits in it--well, you don't want to know.
As Judith starts reading from "Handyman," Raku leaves, muttering, "Better give Home Depot a heads-up."
After Judith finishes, a student calls out, "Excuse me, Ms. Gran. How do you spell Ryobi?"
"Thank you, Judith. All I can say is, Hubba hubba." Jungle Kitty goes back to the podium. "Oh, and there's a special bus leaving for Home Depot right after class. Now! How can you tell if you're a Kirkologist? How many of you hear Star Trek characters talking in your heads?"
"Excuse me, Professor Kitty," calls an extremely intelligent-looking boy. "Does it count if the voice we hear is Captain Brandt's?"
Laura Jacquez Valentine steps out of the shadows, brandishing a large hypodermic needle in an extremely menacing way.
"See me after class, young man," Jungle Kitty says hurriedly.
Laura nods grimly and steps back.
JK clears her throat. "Where was I? Oh yes, voices. How many of you hear Jim Kirk?"
"Good, good. Does he sometimes say things that surprise you?"
About a dozen hands remain in the air.
"Things that disturb you? Maybe even shock you?"
"I'll look forward to seeing both of you in my advanced seminar, The Dark Side of James T. Kirk. At this time, I'll just say, don't let it bother you. There is a very dark side to this man, and a true Kirkologist *loves* it. S/he embraces it, just as s/he does his hammy side, his arrogant side, and even his embarrassing side. Kirkology is not an easy calling, but it's always a rewarding one. Remember--you do not choose Kirk. He chooses you."
Did the hazel eyes of the picture just move? That would really be something. After all, it's a black and white photograph.
"Before we wrap this up, I'd like to share with you one of the most wonderful things about being a Kirkologist. Lights, please."
As the auditorium goes dark, the tank top picture flies up and a screen is lowered in its place. On the screen, we see Lenore Karidian.
"All this power, surging and throbbing. And yet under control. Are you like that, Captain Kirk?" she purrs.
"Let's find out, shall we?" Jungle Kitty says merrily.
"Kai the Kitty! You go, girl!" calls Greywolf, pumping his fist in the air. He leans forward eagerly. "No matter how many times I see this..."
His voice trails off as Kirk appears on the screen, dancing with Rayna in "Requiem for Methuselah."
"Freeze picture!" Jungle Kitty calls out. "Zoom in and enhance."
Gasps, moans, and ecstatic cries from the audience. And one very long, loud howl.
After a moment of awed reverence, JK says in a tightly controlled voice,"I think we can all see his EVE." She drops her voice a tone lower. "Extremely Visible Erection." Fanning herself furiously, she calls offstage. "Dr. Science, if you please."
Mary Ellen rushes to the screen, calipers in hand. After careful measurement (taking much longer than necessary, but who can blame her?), she turns to the audience. But before she can speak, JK reminds her, "In layman's terms, please, Doctor."
Frowning, Mary Ellen mutters something about people who flunked third-grade science. Then she clears her throat and announces importantly, "That is a Very Big Hard-On."
"Thank you, Doctor. And I'd like to thank all of you for coming. Or however you reacted. Class dismissed."
The students clear the auditorium. JK joins the other TOS faculty members, who are all grinning happily. An EVE does that to them.
"So whaddaya say," growls Greywolf. "Back to my office for a smoke?"
As the faculty leaves the auditorium, Mary Ellen says, "You know, Kitty, I'd forgive all your crimes against science if you'd show that other picture."
"Young man at poolside?" JK asks breathlessly, her knees buckling slightly at the thought.
"No, no, the other one. The guy who *really* loves an audience."
"Mary Ellen, please!" JK cries, aghast. "They're *freshmen*!"
"Whatever happened to those pictures Robin has?" Judith asks. "The ones from `The Loft?'"
"Yeah, she's been pretty cagey about those reprints," Wildcat says suspiciously.
"I bet I can get them," JK replies. "She owes me. After all, she's the one who set me and Brandt up for...well, you know."
"And you both got exactly what you wanted." Greywolf waves a claw in Jungle Kitty's direction.
"And deserved!" Laura yells from the shadows.
Laughing, they head out. Arachnethe2 pulls Greywolf aside.
"I do not understand," she whispers. "If Jungle Kitty cannot show those other pictures to freshmen, why is she allowed to show that EVE?"
"Very simple. It was in an episode. It's canon."
"A cannon? Just last month, she told me he had a photon torpedo in his pants. And now you say it's a cannon!"
"Come along, m'dear. It'll all be crystal clear when viewed through a thick haze of smoke."
I'd love to hear from you! Please use my Guestbook to leave story feedback. Your guestbook entry can be public or private. You can also sign up to receive new stories by email.
If you navigated to this story from anywhere on my website, that window is probably still open right behind this one. If you navigated to this story from anywhere else, please visit Invisible Planets for more of my stories.