Note This con report may seem strange (OK, even stranger than my other con reports) if you haven't read The True Outer Space Magical Adventures of Lieutenant Kitty and Dear Miss Lovelorn, both of which were written shortly before I attended the Creation Con in Sacramento in February 2002.
FRIDAY
Off to a great start! Jonk on time! :-)
On way to Lene's, ran over ladder on freeway. Also ran over some string. Hope not bad omens.
Hotel full of young Christian Republicans with big smiles. Bad omen.
Had drinks in bar. L. asked for martini with twist, got olive instead. Another bad omen.
Had 2 manhattans. Wouldn't know bad omen if it lit up with Elven letters and was delivered by Ringwraith.
Note to self: Drink more.
Scared young Christian Republicans in elevator with comments about EVEs, Monkees, and speculation on best blowjob Shatner ever got. (Consensus: always most recent one.) Go, us!
Had biggest boobs in the hotel. Everyone so jealous.
Hotel room smelled of peach bubble bath. (Another bad omen?) Eventually chased it out with smell of Diet Vernors and Krispy Kreme donuts.
Lene hooked DVD and VCR up to palantir without bobbypins! Yay, Lene!
Note to self: Have Jim sign off on commendation for Lene.
SATURDAY
Had to wait in long line to get in line so could wait in other line to get in. Klingons tried to make us stay in line. Female Klingon walked like a Winkie. Faux Klingons so over the top. Real Klingons would eat them for breakfast.
Cruised dealer's room. 5 Trek babes each had table where signed autographs. (Rand, Rom Com, Marlena, Elaan, Yeoman from "The Apple.") All look better from far away. I have bigger boobs than all 5 put together. (Jealous, jealous, jealous, jealous, jealous.)
Went to 5 babes panel. RC, Marlena, and Elaan still sound exactly the same--very distinctive voices. RC had best line. Was asked how she felt about the other female RCs since her.
"I wanted to be the only one."
RC so cool.
MM says Kirk a great kisser. Also identified herself as "the captain's woman." Someone yelled, "Aren't we all?"
(Hope no one thought it was me. When you really are, you're secure enough to not rub non-capt's women's noses in it.)
Later talked to RC about poetry at her table. Very nice, esp. when Jonk said magic word "Rumi."
Back to auditorium for WS & LN. Chased orcs out of our seats. Watched blooper reels (had already seen them all), but had fun making up backstage dialog for WS & LN.
"Hey, Leonard, remember when you did that? Remember? You looked like a real dope. ... Remember that one? Nichelle was laughing at you, I saw her. Remember when you forgot that line? About a gazillion times?"
Watched short clip that ended with K & S running down corridor with K's EVE about a foot in front of them.
!!!!!!!!!!!
Note to self: Rewatch all eps with running down corridor.
How to describe WS & LN together onstage...
WS said he'd had too much caffeine.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lucky I was stoned on Midol, we evened out.
WS & LN very funny together. Reminded me of old vaudeville hams trading lines. LN botched his line: "Live long and proper."
Most fan questions annoying. Too much talking about how Trek inspired them since they were fetuses. Pushy woman wearing 2002 glasses got to front of line & wouldn't shut up. WS annoyed by her, too. :-D After LN answered one of her dopey questions at great length, she asked another.
WS: Is she STILL HERE?
WS too cool.
LN absurdly interested in demographic information of fans.
LN: Are you from Petaluma, too?
WS: WHO CARES?
(Bet WS would have cared if told him was half-elven princess/lieutenant from Middle Earth. Darn NDA.)
Other annoying fan wanted to talk about joys of rats. WS told how he chased a rat out of his RV into the snow. Oh, forgot to mention--WS wearing only t-shirt while chasing rat thru snow. ;-D
One cool fan question: "You two have inspired me since I was a little kid watching 'Rescue 911' and 'In Search Of,' and when I found out you had a show before that, I was BLOWN AWAY!" LOL!
Didn't get to ask question. Was so distracted by EVE in vid clip that forgot to get in line until too late.
Jonk & I bullshitted to front of autograph line. Jonk had WS & LN ticket. I had WS ticket, but noticed that people running line dumber than orcs. So after getting WS' autograph, got LN's for free. Now have lovely autographed picture of WS & LN having director/actor talk during filming of The Search for Spock. Jonk and Lene so jealous.
Saved Leonard Nimoy today! While getting autograph, Jonk whined at LN about running over ladder and string to get to con, just getting out of jail, etc. LN scared. Wisely looked to me for help. Could smell fear. Hustled Jonk away after sympathizing with LN about having to hang out with "certain people."
LN (nodding toward WS): He's a piece of work, isn't he?
Immediately ran into Lene, so all 3 ran off giggling. Felt all tingly, but wasn't much could do about it.
Dinner took 3 hours, due to lousy service and bad music. Drank more manhattans, talked seriously about stuff I don't remember. Hope Lene took notes.
Read bad stories to each other til late.
Note to self: Bring dolls to next con to see if certain positions actually possible. Too dangerous to try at home.
SUNDAY
Watched 2 eps while packing. Scene of Nona bathing missing from DVD! Orgasmic mugatu-bite curing scene too wonderful, esp when Jim wakes up and sees McCoy watching him have a wet dream.
Went to con again. Lene achieved lifelong dream of meeting Gary Lockwood.
Re: Lockwood. What a loony!
Lene bought his book. Every other sentence: "And I don't give a shit who knows it."
GL called Lene a chick. Doesn't like Nimoy (and doesn't give a shit who knows it). Says didn't name names in book, but has lots of racy stories.
Lene: After we read the book, will you tell us the names? We won't tell anyone else, promise.
Don't think GL believed her.
GL had first sexual experience at age 13. Doesn't give a shit who knows it.
GL: I'm a Renaissance man. I can do anything.
Jonk: Can you juggle?
(Jonk so cool.)
GL on fallen souffles: Yeah, you've had the experience, but you can't eat it.
Mystery of Gary Mitchell doll solved. Dollmakers refuse to pay, want to use Lockwoodish image for free! HA! As if!
Went to panel with Nichelle Nichols, George Takei, and Walter Koenig. Yelled, "We love you, Davy!" when WK came on. Offered Jonk $1,000 to ask WK if played Monkees their own instruments.
NN said when auditioned for TOS, had to read Spock because woman's part not written yet. (Typical.) Says after she read, GR called front office to ask if LN had signed contract yet. (Sounds jealous to me.)
WK bored. Think he was counting his teeth.
GT needs to get over it. Dissing WS & LN getting very tiresome. (Jealous, jealous, jealous.)
Horrible 2002 glasses girl and rat lady asking questions again.
WK told story about pet squirrel that hangs out in his office. Keeps a bowl of nuts near the computer.
WK: Sometimes he runs up my leg to get a walnut...
Everyone onstage hysterical; WK realized what just said and covered his face.
GT: I like walnuts, too.
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEAM!
(Starting to suspect onscreen blowjob in "Spock's Brain" not just filthy-minded fan speculation.)
Talked more to 5 babes. Marlena Moreau was in "Firecreek" with GL.
Note to self: Must rent.
Lockwood was in ep of TJ Hooker.
Note to self: Must see.
Rand didn't like questions about wig. Suppressed impulse to say, "Oh, honey, who put a curse on you?"
Jonk talked more to RC about poetry so missed fabulous moment starring me!
Wandered off with Lene to williamshatner.com's booth. Was given free magnets. (Better than magical dirt.)
Saved William Shatner's website! Lene crashed it, I brought it back up. I'm so good. (Was hoping someone would ask how so could say "Used to be UNIX sys admin," but no such luck.)
Told them saw "Mind Meld" and liked when they talked about acting. Guy running booth said should get me on videotape. (He was right.) So they did. Might be on WS' website! Go, me!
(Afraid fluorescent lighting not good for lavender eyes and red hair.)
Wore my Shirtless Kirk(tm) watch all weekend. Lene and Jonk so cool, never told me to shut up about it, even when said, "The Captain says it's time to go to the auditorium" for the gazillionth time. <G>
No letters from Arwen, but phone message from Sig Alien pretending to be WS. ;-D
City of Sacramento loathe to let us leave, roads kept changing directions, and sending us to highway we didn't want to take. Horrible 2002 glasses girl and rat lady obviously Saruman and Sauron in disguise and trying to trap us. Fled just in time.
On way home, worked on con diary and sang "F Troop Theme," but made it sad and meaningful. Everyone all teary. Even Jonk blew hir nose.
Note to self: Next con, get in question line and ask WK, "Is it hard to do cons when touring with Micky and Peter? Was it fun being in the Monkees?" Tell GT my uncle works at Paramount and was going to OK "Capt Sulu" series until I told him dumb idea. Tell NN other babes said she was on the make the whole time. Tell LN that GL wants to kick his ass. Get a real Klingon to STUFF a HUNGRY SQUIRREL down WK's PANTS! Tell LN NN says she read him off the stage. Get GL to sign black-market Mitchell doll. Learn lyrics to "Bonanza" theme. Make time stand still and ravish WS. Have him sign Certificate of Authenticity re: my big, fabulous, and very real boobs.
Dear Miss Lovelorn:
You've always told your readers that chain letters are useless and you're right. I got one last week that promised it would keep the weirdos away from me, so I forwarded it to 20 friends. (The 20 women I slept with last week count as friends, right?) Then, this weekend, I appeared at a Star Trek convention, and right at the front of the line, was this obnoxious woman who's at every con, this time wearing "2002" glasses. And soon afterwards, the Rat Lady showed up.
Readers! Don't! Believe! ... CHAIN LETTERS!
WS
Dear Miss Lovelorn:
I know you don't like practical jokes or chain letters, but we played a dilly on an old friend this weekend. We sent him a chain letter that promised to keep the weirdos away, then got a couple of the really big weirdos to show up at his convention appearance.
You shouldn't be so uptight about these things. We had fun.
The 7 Dwarves
P.S. The bastard says he fwd'd it to 20 friends and none of us got a copy. Typical.
Dear Miss Lovelorn:
I appeared at a Star Trek convention this weekend where my 2 friends and I dissed the other cast members. I suspect even the audience is getting tired of this. It's been 35 years. Should we just get over it? I'm afraid we're starting to look childish and petty.
[Initials Withheld]
Dear Miss Lovelorn:
I appeared at a Star Trek convention this weekend where a fan started whining at me about a ladder and some string. Someone took care of it, but now I have 3 problems.
- I signed 301 autographs and only got paid for 300. Somebody ripped me off.
- The "ladder and string" fan told Gary Lockwood that I'm a wuss. Now I'm afraid GL will come over to my house and beat me up. He doesn't like me anyway and he doesn't give a shit who knows it.
- They showed that stupid blooper reel. I hate that thing, but I especially hate when I have to watch it with Bill, who keeps jabbing me in the ribs and saying, "Remember when you did that? You looked like a real jerk."
I think the "ladder and string" people are behind all this.
I'd swear off convention appearances, but I love talking to fans about Santa Rosa.
Live long and proper.
LN
Dear Miss Lovelorn:
I usually love to appear at Star Trek conventions, but this weekend I found it very boring. I sat onstage for an hour and counted my teeth. That may not sound like much to you, but it gave me a chance to wonder about the woman who shouted, "We love you, Davy!"
WK, wondering if counting my teeth counts as playing my own instrument
Dear Miss Lovelorn:
Please tell all your readers to write to Paramount and demand a "Captain Sulu" show. I think they didn't pay attention the last time you asked, because Paramount only got 2 letters.
GT
Dear Miss Lovelorn:
I'm a two-month-old baby. I hate Star Trek conventions. I scream all through them, but no one seems to get it. Please tell Mommy and Daddy NOT to take me to Star Trek conventions.
2
Dear Miss Lovelorn:
I got all dressed up as a Klingon for this weekend's Star Trek convention. Then I heard someone say I looked like a Winkie. Do you know where there's a Wizard of Oz convention?
Klingon Kimberly
Dear Miss Lovelorn,
This weekend I went to another goddamn Star Trek convention, mostly for the money but also because it gives me a chance to talk for hours about myself and scope out the chicks. Anyway, these three babes were there and they told me that those bastards, Shatner and Nimoy, said that either one of them could kick my ass and that Shatner had screwed more women than me and Warren Beatty put together. Those lying sacks of shit! (Shatner and Nimoy, not the babes. They seemed genuinely interested in my souffle philosophy.) My question is, should I beat them up separately, or individually, in alphabetical order?
I think those seven dwarves are full of shit, too, and I don't care who knows it.
GL, Renaissance man, souffle chef, but don't ask me to juggle, dammit
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