Star Trek and its characters are the property of Paramount. This not-for-profit piece of fan fiction is not intended to infringe on that ownership. The author's copyright applies only to the creative content and her original characters.
WARNING: This is a TupperTrek story, in which at least one male character in the story is waaaaay too in touch with his feminine side. In this story, there's a crisis in the galactic love refrigerator, otherwise known as the TupperTrekiverse, where things aren't as fresh and tidy as we might wish. It also features an appearance by another fanfiction tradition, but you'll have to read the story.
By storing foods in sealable, stackable plastic containers like Modular Mates(R), your food will stay fresher longer, you'll maximize space in your cabinets, and you'll always know what's in stock -- saving you time and money!
--www.tupperware.com
Spock looked up from his meditation and saw Jim flipping through the booklet of baby names that he'd picked up at the supermarket checkout counter. Spock loved seeing the joy and peace on his t'hy'lina's face. Pregnancy had indeed brought a glow to Jim. Rising slowly, Spock approached the computer.
"Oh, Spockylove," Jim scolded lovingly. "Working again? So late?"
Jim chuckled and patted his belly, knowing that Spock had deliberately used the most apt of pet names.
"I am not working," Spock continued.
Then he leaned over and whispered a command to the computer. Moments later, the smooth, velvety voice of Paul Anka filled the room.
"Havin' my baby--What a lovely way of sayin' how much you l--"
Jim burst into tears, struggled to his feet, and waddled howling from the room.
Puzzled, Spock followed. Jim usually found Paul Anka's ballads so soothing. Indeed, they had fallen in love to "Lonely Boy," and Mr. Anka had even put in an appearance at their bonding ceremony, singing "You Are My Destiny." Unfortunately, Jim had collapsed in a dead faint and missed it. Disgusted, T'Pau had made a tasteless remark about "a bun in the oven" and dropped the camcorder, and so the moment was lost forever.
"Jim? What is it, dearest? Another hormonal surge?"
"Do not upset yourself, sunshine. Computer! Cease playback!"
The music stopped. The crying did not.
"You don't understaaaaaand!" Jim wailed.
"Indeed I do not, sweet cheeks. Perhaps if you would enlighten me--"
"Oh, Spah--" Jim hiccuped, "--ahck. I'm such an awful person."
"No, you are not, love puff. You are merely pregnant."
"Yes, my little love tribble, what is it that it is not?"
Spock rose, feeling the powerful surge of dark emotions.
*Kaiidth!* he thought. *What is, is.*
Then he thought about how much he had been anticipating the birth of *his* child.
He sighed in resignation and sat down next to Jim. Unable to bear the sound of heart-wrenching sobs any longer, he put his arm around his love muffin's shoulder and murmured, "There, there, poopsie."
"Oh, Spock, you're so good. So understanding. So wise."
They sat in silence for several minutes. Finally Spock said, "Are you going to enlighten me as to the parentage of the child you carry?"
"Well..." Jim shifted uncomfortably. "Promise you won't get angry?"
"I met her at the captains' conference."
"You allowed a *woman* to father your child?"
"It was an accident! We had sex on the beach."
"No, we weren't drinking. We just had sex on the beach."
"And the name of this irresistible female?"
At that moment, the door to the outer cabin burst open.
"Jim! Darling! Where are you?" called a mellifluous feminine voice.
The two men rushed to the partition, where they beheld the most beautiful woman either had ever seen. She was tall, slender, and voluptuous. Eyes as limpid and green as lilypads flashed with fire and intelligence. Her auburn tresses tumbled like waves over her shoulders almost to her waist. It wasn't regulation, but regulations don't apply to people like--
"Captain Suzy Anne Brandt!" Spock cried.
Indeed it was. The woman who had single-handedly outsmarted every evil alien in known space, brought the Klingon Empire to its knees, and won the hearts of every intelligent being--male, female, or unknown--who ever encountered her.
She rushed to Jim, embraced him, and then gazed lovingly at his belly, the size of which mirrored her love for him. And his for her. And theirs for each other.
"Suzy Anne, what are you doing here?"
"Did you think I would let you face the pain of childbirth alone? I came as soon as I heard! I would have been here sooner, but your engines were infested with an alien lifeform which I have eradicated!"
"Och, aye, Captain, that there were," said Scotty as he entered, shaking his head. "Thanks to yon bonny lass, the horrible wee beasties are no more. She's a true miracle-worker."
"What sort of aliens, Mr. Scott?" Spock asked.
"Hideous they were. Pink and spongy with dozens of appendages with suction cups on the ends. And they wore false eyelashes."
The Vulcan turned to Suzy Anne, his dark eyes clouded with an almost uncontrollable rage.
"You have murdered the only Tupperware direct sales representatives in this part of the galaxy," he said, his voice as menacing as midnight.
"Oh, piffle!" she replied with a playful toss of auburn curls. "They were imposters! Shape-shifters from Rubbermaid."
"Hoorah for Captain Brandt!" Scotty cried.
Shaking with un-Vulcan anger and disappointment, Spock turned away and regained control of his rampant emotions. Then he turned and saw the light of his life lighting up someone else's life. He frowned the secret frown that he saved only for Jim. But Jim's attention was elsewhere.
"Jim, how can you do this to us?" Spock asked.
"I'm sorry, Spock," Jim murmured regretfully, still gazing into the emerald depths of Suzy Anne's eyes. "But she's an OFC. I have no choice. You do understand, don't you?"
With a pleading expression, Suzy Anne turned her gaze on Spock and he instantly fell under the spell that had enchanted everyone else on the ship.
"Yes, of course." He winked the secret wink that he had been saving up for someone really special. "How could I have been so blind?"
"Thank you, Spock." Jim smiled, glad that he and his first officer were in love with the same woman.
Suzy Anne bent down and kissed Jim's stomach. "The baby--is it a boy or a girl?"
"It's a girl, my dearest darling."
"Oh, I'm glad. I know you'll make a wonderful mother."
"Suzy Anne, how did you know I was expecting?"
"Your mother told me. She's a very wise woman, sweetums."
"I know, you silly." He tweaked her nose affectionately. "That's why I try so hard to be just like her."
Suddenly Suzy Anne's ebony eyelashes fluttered and she sank gracefully to the floor.
"Suzy Anne! What's wrong, angel?"
"I--don't know, pookie. I just feel--so weak. Everything--is getting--dark."
"Spock!" Jim shouted. "Call McCoy."
Wringing his hands, Spock hurried to the comm unit and summoned the doctor, who arrived only moments later. Quickly taking in the situation, he knelt next to Suzy Anne. After waving his diagnosticom over her, he sat back on his haunches and rubbed his chin pensively.
"Well, Jim, I can't explain it."
"She appears to be dying while giving birth to your child."
"But *I'm* the one who's pregnant!"
"That's the part I can't explain. But she *is* an OFC, so I guess this was inevitable."
Suzy Anne opened her eyes and called weakly, "Jim..."
"I'd like her to be just like you."
He leaned in to hear the words she could barely speak.
"Anything, anything at all," he whispered as a single tear tumbled down his cheek.
"Of course. Brownie Wise Kirk."
Her face contorted with a spasm of pain. "Oh, Jimmykins," Suzy Anne gasped. "I'm sorry to cause you all this trouble."
"Suzy Anne, sweetiepie, you can't die! Please try to hold on! Please, cupcake!"
"I--can't!" she gasped. "I'm not strong enough. You need someone stronger...someone...Vulcan."
At that moment, the rest of the crew rushed in weeping. The news that their beloved Suzy Anne Brandt was dying had swept through the ship like a new Oreck vacuum cleaner. She lifted her head and smiled bravely at them.
"Please...don't cry. It's better this way. I should never have tried to change the laws of the universe."
"Dinna fash yerself, lassie," Scotty said soothingly. "Dinna ye ken there are some things that even *ye* canna change? Ye've had the joy of being an OFC, and now ye mun pay the piper."
And with those words, he tuned up his bagpipes and began playing a mournful accompaniment as Uhura sang Collin Raye's "God, Don't Take the Girl."
But God had different plans that day, and as the angels gently gathered Suzy Anne Brandt into their arms
oh god I can't write the rest of this story I've already gone through 3 boxes of Puffs and I know my makeup is running and I look like a raccoon, but it's so sad and now I can't even see what I'm typing. But here's what happens. She dies and everyone mourns her and gives long, beautiful eulogies. Spock holds Jim in his arms and says, "We will mourn her together." But as they burp the lid on Suzy Anne's pastel pink coffin, Jim breaks down completely and almost miscarries. Spock saves him with a mind meld, even though he burned his fingertips while boiling water for the birth. And their beautiful daughter has little pointed ears because it turns out that Suzy Anne Brandt was from another dimension where she was really Spock. He came to this dimension in female form to save the Enterprise from Rubbermaid representatives and foreshadow the women's rights movement. So she wasn't a Mary Sue after all, because she was really Spock all along.
OFC stands for Original Female Character. It's the polite term for Mary Sue. It will still get you beaten up in certain corners of the Trekkiverse.
Brownie Wise was one of the first Tupperware Ladies. She invented the Tupperware party.
There's an illustration of one of those aliens at the Tupperware homepage. It's called Tippy Tupperware.
This story is lovingly dedicated to several people who for some inexplicable reason don't want to be associated with the TupperTrekiverse. They not only helped me and my Modular Mate through one of the worst weeks of our lives as we dealt with the Kobayashi Maru of real estate transactions, they also sparked the discussion that resulted in my favorite bit in this story--Suzy Anne's coffin.
AGH! I just went back to the Tupperware page to do a little last minute research and when you go to the search page, Tippy Tupperware is saying, "Let me help." The hell with research. Nothing is worth the kind of nightmare I'm going to have tonight.
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