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Note
A discussion about Star Trek characters in a western inspired this bit of silliness. It really takes so little to make me happy.
Now I'm picturing the episode where Fig comes to town as the new schoolmarm... Or---oo!oo!oo!--all those western shows had an episode where some snooty fussy girl from "back east" comes to visit and gets taken down a peg.
"Well, howdy, Miss Ruth."
"Good afternoon."
"You're shore purty."
"Um, thank you, Mr...?"
"Spock. But everyone around these parts calls me Half-breed."
"Oh. Well, Mr. Half-breed, can you direct me to the office of whatever passes for law enforcement here? I'd like to report a theft. My favorite earrings are missing."
Kirk and McCoy come out of McCoy's office just in time to see Sheriff Bronco Brandt enter, draw her gun and shoot the dead bird right off Ruth's hat.
"That's mighty fine shootin', Sheriff."
"Thank you, Wilton, er, I mean, Jim."
McCoy rushes to Ruth who has collapsed in a dead faint.
"She's dead, Wilton, er, I mean, Jim."
Ruth's eyelashes flutter.
"No, I'm not."
"Are you SURE you went to medical school, Doc?"
"Now, Half-breed, don't argue with me. If I say she's dead--"
"I'm not dead!"
Enter Scotty, pushing a wheelbarrow.
"Brrrrrrring out yourrrrrrrr dead! Special today on bairrrrrrns and wee'uns! Aye, Sherrrrrrrrriff, can I be helpin' ye in any way, then?"
"Yes, Scotty, I've got one for you."
"I'M NOT DEAD!"
"Och, Sherrrrrriff Brrrrrrrrronco Brrrrrrrrrandt, she says she's no yet dead."
Rolling her eyes, Sheriff Brandt draws her gun again and shoots Ruth. Then she moseys over and nudges her in the bustle.
"Are you dead now?"
When there is no response, she reaches down and yanks the necklace from Ruth's throat.
"I always fancied this. Well, fellas, let's head over to the Long Schlong Saloon for a little celebration. Drinks are on me."
"It's a little early for that, isn't it, Sheriff?"
"Half-breed, you're starting to bother me."
Uhura sashays out of the Long Schlong, wearing her stunning new dance-hall girl dress.
"Now, Sheriff, don't you worry about Half-breed. I'll take care of him." She leads Spock arm-in-arm into the Long Schlong, murmuring, "I'm putting in a new song just for you, sugar."
As the rest follow, Kirk asks Bronco, "Who's Wilton?"
"I don't write the lines, honey, I just say 'em."
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