Star Trek and its characters are the property of Paramount. This not-for-profit piece of fan fiction is not intended to infringe on that ownership. The author's copyright applies only to the creative content and her original characters.
Note This was written in response to a challenge to write a Treksmut variation of a children's story.
All the Cool down in Coolville like Treksmut a lot
But the troll who lives just north of Coolville does not.
He hates all the wanting and moaning and screaming.
He hates all the panting and groaning and creaming.
He hates the crude language, the costumes, the lubes.
The dildos and sh*ttl*es and tight Jeffries tubes.
He hates the initials like K/P/J/Q.
He hates S&M and he hates TSU.
He hates it in sickbay or pressed to a door.
In onesomes and twosomes and threesomes and more.
He hates it with food and he hates it with props.
No pussies! No stiffies! No bottoms or tops!
And the slash, oh the slash, all the slash slash slash slash.
To end all the slash, he would send all his cash.
But the reason the troll hated smut most of all
Is because the troll's dick was two sizes too small.
So he lurked neath his rock and he pounded his head.
"I must stop the Treksmut from coming," he said.
He got AOL and he set a sure aim.
He cried "Burn in hell!" and sent out a big flame.
He posted his hate and he gave out a cheer
As he pictured the shock of each sick Treksmutteer.
And when they logged on and they saw what they got,
They just didn't care, not at all, not a jot.
Except for a newbie, Miss Mary Sue Bean,
Mary Sue Bean who had just turned eighteen.
"Dear Troll," she wrote back with a tear in her eye,
"Why are you sending these flames to us, why?"
"Because, my dear girl," the troll said with a sneer.
"Star Trek's not straight, it's not bi, it's not queer.
I've seen all the shows from beginning to end,
And there's no sex at all, they are simply good friends."
He drew out a weapon that none could withstand.
"I'm Paramount's lawyer. This group must disband."
He hit "Get New Mail," and he waited for howls,
For screams and for tears and for sobs and for growls.
But just one person wrote, though he'd given his best.
Cause people don't like to give feedback, I guess.
And the message said, "Troll, you may think we are through,
But I'm the List Mom and I'm ready for you.
Go ahead, stop the newsgroup, and stop all the posting,
But I've got a couple of lists that I'm hosting.
And writers can simply send stories to me
And I'll send them on, and it's private and free.
So here's some initials to make your life hell.
They're BLTS ASCEML."
Then Anne chuckled softly and did something brutal.
He's now on the list and resistance is futile.
Cause when he logs on, he finds no use in ducking,
He gets all our stuff, all the sucking and fucking.
He's flooded with sex, both the slash and the het.
From spankings by Janeway to Q's lovely pet.
Tom's raped in prison by 7 of 9,
And Beverly gets some and likes it just fine.
Hot tubs on Risa, and new shapes for Odo,
And crossover stories where Sulu does Frodo.
A poetry challenge to rhyme things with Spock.
The cock of Tuvok can unlock Spock's spacedock.
Humans who sodomize alien boys,
And jello and chocolate and Home Depot toys.
It could take some time 'cause he'll put up a fight,
But one day he'll read it, and he'll see the light.
And on that great day, and to no one's surprise,
The troll's tiny dick will grow three times its size.
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