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Here's what it would be like if my mother were captain of the Enterprise:
The purpose of the five-year mission would be shopping. Seeking out new hummels. Especially that one hummel she's always wanted. "Which hummel would that be, captain?" "Oh, you know, Spock, the one with the sweet little face."
When the captain goes on an away mission, an officer will be assigned to take care of the captain's dog. A "good" officer will put her own dog in a kennel during this time.
The officers will reconcile themselves to the fact that all the other captains know all the details of their personal lives.
Mr. Sulu will be transferred off the ship because the captain can't stand asians.
Lieutenant Uhura will be transferred off the ship because the captain can't stand colored people. Although the captain admits that her quarters were always neat as a pin.
The officers are training the crew all wrong. But amazingly enough, the crew is perfect anyway.
Several decks will be converted to golf courses.
If more than three officers come to the captain's quarters at the same time, the captain will prepare all of their favorite dishes. And god help the officer who puts the mashed potatoes in the wrong bowl.
The captain is the center of every Starfleet event. If the captain is not the center of an event, the captain will not attend the event. Even the most favored member of the crew will not be able to coax the captain into attending said event.
The two most coveted postings on the ship are:
(1) the station furthest from the bridge. The captain would like to visit this station but it's so far.
(2) heading up the department about which the captain knows nothing. The captain cannot complain about the way this officer runs her department.
When the two most coveted postings are held by the same officer, she is invincible. All her reports contain nothing but good news, because she is secure in the knowledge that the captain will never find out the bad news and wouldn't understand it anyway.
When compared to other ship's officers, the captain's officers are the most wonderful officers ever. After all, they never ask to borrow money and have never been in the brig.
When compared to how the captain was when she was an officer, they are the laziest, most worthless bunch ever to walk a deck.
All the comm units will be turned up full blast.
When something happens, the captain meets individually with each officer and tells her a different version. The officers then meet secretly to sift through these versions and hopefully discover the truth.
There are many things that the captain tells only to the officer who used to serve aboard the most dysfunctional ship in the fleet.
The entire crew has been on red alert for the past 6 months. The Frank Sinatra deathwatch.
The ship's speed can never exceed warp 2.
All communications will end with "Love you, honey."
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