This is a work of parody and is protected under United States copyright law.
"Hi there!"
"Hey you! How was your weekend?"
"Eh. Chekov took me to the double-feature in the rec hall Saturday night."
"Is Sulu still running the Classics of Horror Trivee Festival?"
"Yes, and if I had one more pip, I'd put him on report."
"So how was it?"
"Well, the first one was 'A Nymphoid Barbarian In Dinosaur Hell.'"
"Ugh."
"'Ugh' doesn't even begin to describe it. It brought back all those bad memories of when I was serving on the Ravishment. Luckily, Chekov screamed through the whole thing so I missed most of the dialog. Gee, what's with the cooler? It doesn't usually shake like that."
"Wasn't Scotty doing something to it yesterday?"
"I don't know."
"He sent out an email."
"I've got him kill-filed."
"He's your section chief!"
"That's why he's kill-filed. And he'll stay that way until he tells the captain that it was my idea to compress the technobabblizer and retrofit it to the universal translator--"
"I know, I know. Let it go."
"Never! I want credit!"
"Sweetie, people in hell want ice water. That doesn't mean they're getting any. Speaking of water...that valve wasn't dripping a few minutes ago, was it?"
"I don't know."
"Shouldn't you report it?"
"Why? So Scotty can remove my name from the report? Don't worry, it probably just needs some more tri-duct tape. I'll take care of it. But first, let me finish telling you about my date."
"Well, make it quick because I have to tell you what happened in the gym this morning."
"In the gym? Doesn't Captain Kirk work out in the morning in the gym?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact, he does."
"Tell, tell!"
"No, it can wait. Tell me about the rest of your date."
"It was nothing! Rand got sick on Gummi Sehlats and threw up on Riley. Was the captain wearing his red tights?"
"No."
"No? But something skin-tight, right? Please tell me he was wearing something skin-tight."
"Yes, skin-tight. So what was the second trivee?"
"There was no second trivee. Was the captain sweaty?"
"How could it be a double feature if there wasn't a second trivee?"
"It slipped through a rip in the space-time continuum. Somewhere in a galaxy far, far away, they're watching 'Igor and the Lunatics.'"
"You're holding out on me."
"You're holding out on me!"
"I'm waiting."
"All right. The second picture was 'Igor and the Lunatics,' Chekov bitched all the way through about all the Russian mythology they got wrong, he dropped the accent when I told him it was a turn-off, and he tongue-kisses about as well as he styles his hair. End of story. NOW TELL ME ABOUT THE CAPTAIN--"
"Shh!"
"--in the gym."
"Well. He was in the gym when I got there. Dressed in a black unitard with thin straps and a deep scoop neck."
"Oh, I'm fainting."
"It reminded me of that gay dancer I knew in Paris."
"Ruin this for me and I'll kill you."
"He was working out with Sam--"
"Who's Sam?"
"You know. Sam. The big, burly guy. The captain's personal trainer."
"The captain has a personal trainer? Holy shit. Who do you have to fuck to get that job?"
"Take a wild guess."
"The captain...and a big, burly guy named Sam? I'm killing myself. I'm getting down on my hands and knees and I'm going to lick this puddle of nuclear waste until I'm dead."
"Oh, get up, you big drama queen! Say, you don't really think that's nuclear waste, do you?"
"Could be. Finish your story."
"Okay. So he was doing squats--"
"Squats! Oh, squat over here, Captain Baby!"
"Will you keep it down? I bet they can hear you on the bridge."
"Like anyone on the bridge cares what goes on down here. Uhura's plugged into Neo-Fusion Andorian Jazz all day and the only thing Spock can hear is his own sinuses dripping."
"Does he have another cold?"
"Yes. Have you noticed that the more stuffed up his nose gets, the fewer decimal points he calculates to?"
"Yes!"
"I thought I'd bust a gut trying not to laugh last week when I was running a software update on the captain's chair. Spock could barely lift his head and he had horrible circles under his eyes. And there were stains on his sleeve from where he'd wiped his nose."
"There were not!"
"I swear! Anyway, the captain asked how much longer we could run at Warp 9 and Spock sort of rolled his eyes back like he was trying to think and finally he said, 'A coupla hours or so, Jib.'"
"Poor Spock. Maybe I should check on him."
"Ooo, someone's got a cru-ush on Spo-ock!"
"I do not! I'm just concerned about his health. After all, I'm part of the medical team."
"You're the ship's candy striper."
"My work is essential to the well-being of this crew. Besides, Nurse Chapel told me that she started out as a candy striper."
"And ascended to heights we can only dream of."
"Why are you so down on her?"
"She's a deeply disturbed woman."
"She's tragic."
"She's too homely to be tragic."
"She's sad."
"She's a sap. No wonder her fiancee left her for a robot. I would have done it for a battery pack and cab fare."
"You're mean. I never say anything against your idol, Lieutenant Helen 'Look at my dimples and ignore the fact that I'm a manipulative bitch' Noel."
"But she makes manipulative bitchery look so easy! And it works so well! What I wouldn't give to have been in her boots when the captain was in the Tantalus chair..."
"Hey, maybe we should move away from this thing."
"No, all the water pouring out is good camouflage. If anyone asks why we're here, I'll say I'm checking the coupling on the tachyon wave inversion field and you're...um...you're..."
"I'm here to treat you if you get any Heisenberg residue on yourself."
"Good."
"And I'll keep waving this thing to make it look like I'm checking you."
"What's that?"
"It fell out of one of the machines when I was dusting in sickbay. I didn't know where it went so I kept it."
"Why didn't you ask Dr. McCoy?"
"He was busy. He had ensigns lined up twelve-deep for their monthly upside-down leg-pumping evaluations. Besides, he's a doctor, not a maintenance man. And I like carrying this little thing around. See? It twitters just like it's monitoring something."
"Maybe it is monitoring something."
"Yeah, maybe. Anyway, the captain--"
"Yes, yes, back to the captain! He was wearing a black unitard--"
"--and doing squats--"
"--and sweating--"
"Right, sweating. And Sam was coaching him."
"I hate Sam."
"He made the captain do an extra set of squats."
"I love Sam."
"And he said, 'Gotta work those glutes, Captain. You want a good butt, don't you?"
"He said that?! My God, I'd sell my grandmother to the Orions if I could talk to the captain about his butt! So then what happened?"
"Hey, look at the monitor thingy."
"Forget the monitor thingy! Tell me what happened with the captain's butt!"
"Okay. So then the captain smiled--you know that smile he gets when he's about to say something smart-ass but he--"
"Talk louder! I can't hear you over the claxon!"
"He got that SMILE he gets when he's about to say SOMETHING SMART-ASS but he knows HE CAN GET AWAY WITH IT because HE'S THE CAPTAIN--you know THAT SMILE?"
"Oh, baby, I dream of that smile!"
"And then he said--"
"Isn't there a mute switch on this stupid alarm?"
"AND THEN HE SAID, 'SAM'--"
"ALL RIGHT ALREADY, IT'S A RED ALERT! WE GET IT!"
"THE CAPTAIN SAID, 'SAM, I'VE ALREADY GOT THE BEST BUTT A WHITE MAN'S ALLOWED TO HAVE!"
"NO!"
"YES! AND I LAUGHED AND THE CAPTAIN LOOKED AT ME--"
"NO!"
"YES!"
"DID YOU DIE?"
"ALMOST! SO THEN--"
"Hey, did you hear that?"
"Hear what?"
"The intercom. Shut up a minute. And stop splashing! I'm trying to listen."
"I can barely hear it. Do you think the water shorted it out?"
"You're wasted as a candy striper, you know that?"
"That was sarcasm, wasn't it?"
"They should have you manning the sensors."
"Okay, I know that was sarcasm."
'Attention all hands! This--zzzt!--captain speaking. We've detected--hss! hss! hss!--coolant leak--rrrRRRrrr! rr! rr!--anti-matter--Ah-ah-ah-CHOOOO!--Gesundheit, Mr. Spock. Clear decks--akka akka akka akka--through seventeen. Repeat--ttttTTTTTTTTTTTdddd...ddd...zzzt...'
"We've got to get out of here! Shit, Scotty's gonna have me scrubbing recycling tanks til doomsday. Swim over here and help me with the door."
"No, wait, leave the door alone."
"You're right, we'll flood the whole sector."
"Who cares about the sector? Don't you get it? This is the best thing that could have happened!"
"Are you CRAZY?"
"Listen to me! We're up to our chins in wet anti-matter--"
"It's phase-enhanced super-radioactive--"
"Whatever. The point is--today is our lucky day!"
"My God, I'm going to drown in phase-enhanced super-radioactive tri-hydrogenated all-weather anti-matter coolant and the last thing I'm going to see is an insane candy striper!"
"Don't be silly. Didn't you read the email about female personnel in danger? If we stay right here, the captain will rescue us!"
"He will?"
"Yes! That's how it works."
"But then he'll know we were just standing here gossiping! We'll look like idiots!"
"We'll look like two beautiful wet women who he's just rescued."
"Oh. Yeah."
"Yeah. Now who's the smart one?"
"I take it all back. I worship at the altar of your candy-striped genius. Is my lipstick still on?"
"Looks good."
"Maybe we should scream or something."
"Good idea! He always comes running when they scream. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"Wow! That was great! You sounded just like a nymphoid barbarian in dinosaur hell. And I mean that in a nice way."
"Gee, thanks. Was it really that good?"
"It was outstanding. And if there's one thing I'm an expert on after watching horror movies with Chekov, it's screaming."
"This water feels kind of creepy."
"Yeah. I hope the captain gets here before it peels off too much of my skin."
"Do you think he'll bring Spock?"
"Probably. I just hope he doesn't bring Sam. Oo! Maybe he hasn't had time to change out of his unitard! Captain Kirk, save me!"
"And bring Mr. Spock to save me!"
"HELP!"
"HELP!"
"Help! Help! ... Hey."
"What?"
"I just thought of something."
"What?"
"You're not wearing red, are you?"
"No. Not really."
"'Not really?' What does that mean?"
"Well...A thong doesn't count. Does it? DOES IT?"
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