Star Trek and its characters are the property of Paramount. This not-for-profit piece of fan fiction is not intended to infringe on that ownership. The author's copyright applies only to the creative content and her original characters.
In the viewing lounge, the TOS faculty gathered around the giant-screen TV, as they had been doing each afternoon for several weeks now. Jostling each other for the prime seats, they ignored the host of "Sightings" inviting them to join him next time.
Conspicuous by their absence were Judith Gran, sydvick, and Jungle Kitty. In fact, not a single Kirkologist, student or faculty, had been seen in several days. The head administrator of DICK (Defenders of IDIC Can't Kwit) had called several times looking for Judith. And the newsgroup hadn't seen a story from any of them in over a week.
Raku looked up from hir essay on the erotic aspects of spelling and said, "Doesn't it seem strange that the Kirkologists don't come to our little viewing parties anymore?"
"I think Kitty's laying low since her protomatter pie sent us all to the emergency room," Mary Ellen speculated.
"The two of you are thick as thieves," Greywolf nudged Wildcat. "What's up, mon?"
"Not a word in days. Not even whining about how blocked her story is."
"I can't believe they'd miss this. It's 'Requiem for Methuselah,'" jonk said. "I brought socks to throw during the dancing scene."
"Quiet, y'all!" Jen screeched. "How am I ever going to be converted to K/S if you gab all the way through it?"
The group settled back, the familiar theme music played, and...
"'The Cage'?!" Greywolf roared. "Why the fuck are they showing 'The Cage'?"
"They just showed it yesterday!"
Suddenly, the screen blanked out, and in the stunned silence, the following words appeared in large block letters.
Meanwhile, aboard the Starship Enterprise...
Sulu turned and said, "Leaving orbit, Captain. Warp factor two, sir?"
The panel on the front of Christopher Pike's mobile life support blinked Yes.
"Keptin, shall I lay in a course for our next destination?"
"Captain, there's a message coming in. Shall I put it onscreen?"
Mr. Scott wandered over the Uhura.
"Lass, I hate to say it, but...this is awful."
"I know, Scotty. When I joined Starfleet, I thought there would be excitement and energy, but this... I know it's not Captain Pike's fault. He's doing the best he can..."
"Sad to say," Number One interjected, pushing her auburn hair behind her ears, "it wasn't much different before the accident."
She nodded. "Why do you think the five-year mission was canceled after only one hour? Between the great stone-face captain and a Vulcan who barks orders at the top of his voice and grins idiotically at the sight of alien plant life, there was no other choice."
"You mean?" Uhura asked fearfully.
"Yes," Number One said sadly. "This is the only Star Trek that ever existed, or ever will."
Their eyes wide with horror, the three officers turned to the main screen and read the ominous words...
And in a luxurious suite in the Laguna Niguel Ritz-Carlton overlooking the Pacific Ocean...
The chief litigator for DICK generously tipped an alarmed bellperson.
"Are they okay?" he asked, gesturing to the other two occupants of the room.
"Just fine. A little withdrawal, that's all." Judith maneuvered him to the door, and, as it closed behind him, she turned to her companions. "All right, you two! We've got work to do!"
"Can't--work! Must--have--feedback!" sydvick gasped, writhing on the floor in agony.
Jungle Kitty sat silently at the keyboard, repeatedly clicking "Get Mail."
Judith drew herself up to her full height and fixed a disdainful gaze on them. "I'm ashamed of you. You call yourself Kirkologists. I'm not exactly sure what James Kirk would do in this situation, but I'm absolutely positive he would not roll on the floor crying or go catatonic."
sydvick pulled hirself together and said, "You're right. We agreed that this was important. We have to be prepared to make sacrifices."
"Darn tootin'," Judith agreed as she slapped JK across the face.
Normally, the feline professor would have ripped Ms. Gran's head off but there hadn't been a good slap since the Rude posts, and it did have the desired effect.
"Now," Judith said authoritatively. "This meeting of the Society for the Preservation Of Kirkology will now come to order. Jungle Kitty, report."
"Well, phase 1 was successful. The Sci Fi Channel now shows nothing but 'The Cage.'"
"Excellent. sydvick, how are we doing on corporate sponsorship?"
"We've had one tentative offer. But there's a condition attached."
Judith sighed. "Who is it from?"
With a choking sound, Jungle Kitty went pale. "M-m-microsoft? No! Never! We cannot betray Our Glorious Cause by allying ourselves with the Great Satan!"
"Kitty, sydvick has the floor," Judith reminded her gently. "What's the condition, sydvick?"
"It's more of a recommendation, actually. Their market research indicates that it's just as easy to sell an inferior product as a superior one. Easier, in fact. So they suggest we switch to another character."
"What. Character." Jungle Kitty growled through clenched teeth.
"They suggest...Wesley Crusher."
"He's not even TOS!" Judith gasped.
"They thought Kitty could write him a girlfriend," sydvick continued. "Maybe a descendant of Captain Brandt's. To make him more palatable."
"Oh, now there's an idea," Kitty said sarcastically. "Yes, that just might work. IF SHE KILLS HIM ON THE FIRST DATE!"
"All right, settle down," Judith said. "Obviously we cannot accept this offer from the Fiend of Redmond. We're on our own."
"Not entirely," said Q as he popped into the unhappy scene, which was suddenly transformed into a carnival, complete with colorful placards and banners. All of which read...
"Now, as I understand it," His Omnipotence said, as he settled into the most comfortable chair in the room, "you noble Kirkologists are an endangered species, yes?"
The three awed writers nodded.
"Feeling that drastic measures were called for, you decided to withdraw from the world of Treksmut, in order to make it absolutely clear how crucial the study of James T. Kirk is to the world of Star Trek. In other words, remove the essential ingredient and watch everything fall apart."
"Exactly, Your...Qfulness," sydvick affirmed.
Q frowned at hir. "Once I restore Kirkology to its rightful place, I want you all to enroll in Continuum Studies."
"Q," Judith said. "Are you saying that you'll help us?"
"I must. Because without me, your plan is doomed to failure."
"What!" JK cried. "It can't be! We researched the whole thing! I read every word of 'John Galt Speaks!'"
"Has she always been like this?" Q asked.
"She is a woman of deep passions," Judith explained quietly.
"Well, turn it down, Pussycat, or you'll find yourself doing the horizontal cha-cha with Deanna Troi."
JK retreated into a corner to pout.
"The problem with your plan, mes amis, is that you failed to think big enough. So the Sci Fi Channel only shows--" he shuddered "'The Cage.' So you've stopped posting your lovely stories to the newsgroup. And yes, you're missed, but your fellow Treksmutteers will simply console themselves with episode tapes, the backlog of stories, and..." He paused ominously. "Pro fic novels."
"Yes. Here's what I suggest..."
"Wait a minute," Judith gave him a look that had struck fear in the hearts of IDIC violators everywhere. "Why are you doing this?"
Q sighed impatiently. "Because, dear ones, I 'get it.' Without James T. Kirk, no five-year mission, no strange new worlds, no new civilizations, no boldly going... In other words, no 'Star Trek,' a point you illustrated very nicely with non-stop showing of 'The Cage.' The Non-Q Powers That Be didn't pick up that show, and rightly so. Now put that luscious hunk of Iowa manflesh in the center chair, and you've got a TV series. My support for your noble endeavor is a simple matter of self-preservation.
Wildcat arranged herself at her computer and accessed her current work in progress.
To her dismay, it consisted of nothing but a solemn man saying, "Indeed."
Greywolf puffed happily on a doobie and reached for the latest shipment from the K/S Library.
Choking on harsh smoke, he tore through page after empty page.
Killa went to work on a "Wiseguys" story.
raku and jonk planned a tea party to which no one was invited. Not even themselves.
Around the world, archives disappeared overnight, web pages returned "Not Found" messages, and the internet disappeared entirely as it finally sank that the killer app that drove it was an overpowering interest in Star Trek, a phenomenon that no longer existed. It never had.
And as for the rest of the TSU faculty--TNG, VOY, and DS9--they watched in horror as their beautiful campus was bull-dozed to make room for a museum dedicated to "Charlie's Angels."
And in the clear blue sky overhead, a lone skywriter spelled out...
I'd love to hear from you! Please use my Guestbook to leave story feedback. Your guestbook entry can be public or private. You can also sign up to receive new stories by email.
If you navigated to this story from anywhere on my website, that window is probably still open right behind this one. If you navigated to this story from anywhere else, please visit Invisible Planets for more of my stories.